So here’s what happened to me this morning. I arose at my customary hour and went about my usual routine. The specifics of the hour and the routine are of no import. The only unusual thing was that my lower back was hurting when I got up, but even this is not entirely unheard of. Apart from that, an absolutely normal day.
Then, while at my desk, I was suddenly struck by a wave of nausea. Not the kind where you feel it creeping on gradually, but the kind where you suddenly realize, wow, I’m going to throw up RIGHT NOW.
I thought — and maybe even said aloud — “Huh. That’s weird.” For I had done nothing to cause nausea. I had consumed only what I usually consume in the morning: a glass of Slim-Fast and an apple. Not only are these things relatively healthy, they are what I consume every day. Even if I were starting each day with a glass of Jack Daniels and a pie, my body would be used to it by now.
Still, the evidence was incontrovertible. I was going to vomit. There being no reason for it didn’t change the fact that it was going to occur. I vomit so infrequently that this was, in itself, a momentous occasion. That it was to happen apparently unprovoked just made it more so.
I hurried to the bathroom and assumed the usual position, retched a couple times, and brought up only a couple small bits of apple. Nothing else. Yet I immediately felt relieved, though sweaty, and my day went back to normal.
So what happened? The only conclusion that makes any sense, given that I woke up with a sore lower back and had a sudden bout of nausea, is that I am pregnant. Neither of the two things normally required for pregnancy — i.e., being a woman and having recently had sex — apply to me, but what else could it be? And now that I look more closely at my gut, I do seem to be “showing.” Like I need another mouth to feed, in addition to my own, which obviously I am barely capable of feeding already.
Since my only experience with male pregnancy comes from the hit Hollywood movie “Junior”, I’m nervous that the FDA is going to try to come after you. Dress yourself in drag and get in contact with Danny DeVito right away, he may be your only hope of avoiding Frank Langella.
I think it’s time for you to find a wife, Eric.
Very Kafka-esque!
So what happened? You’re not suffering from the flu, are you?
Organ-based pain–appendicitis, gall stones, kidney stones, bowel obstruction–can often present as lower back pain. Vomiting with back pain are common symptoms of appendicitis. Check for palpable tenderness over the right side of your abdomen. Especially likely if you develop a fever, too.
Aliens. My vote is on aliens. Key symptoms include a baby alien popping out of your stomach, hissing and running off into dark corners of your apartment. If that happens, call Sigourney Weaver. She’ll know what to do.
Best of luck!
watch yourself carefully young man, and heed what the posting above me says. i did have a kidney stone last fall, with many of the same early symptons. stay well, dont want to lose you, your my only movie critic. regards.
Congratulations, I guess.
Have you scheduled a sonogram, yet?
Have you noticed any swelling or tenderness in your chest region?
Do apples keep turning brown in your stomach? I’ve never had the courage to find out for myself.
I once had Jack Daniels in a pie–pecan. It was better than my own mother’s.
Congratulations!!! I hope it’s a girl
I hope some nice lady makes an honest man of you before the blessed event.
Don’t worry about having another mouth to feed. Breastfeeding is very affordable.
I have heard that Vitamin B and Nyquil before you go to bed help to alleviate pregnancy related morning sickness.
Also, I hope it wasn’t Seth Rogen that knocked you up. That guy is a douche.
It’s obvious what happened. You got an advanced copy of the movie “Babies”. You loved it and said I need to get me one of those little guys. (not the one that was almost eaten by the animal- but one of your own). You thought about meeting a women but realized that would be really difficult for you. So in your subconscious you felt what a pregnant women would feel. It was confusing because your conscious brain had no idea what was going on. As for your gut……(U R FAT). I put it in text mode so it wouldn’t come across rude (someone had to say it),
What Rob D is describing is Couvade Syndrome and some people with it actually grow pregnancy bellies. I personally think that on the spectrum of appendicitis to aliens, this would be the most hilarious. I bet Jennifer Aniston would kill for some pseudo-pregnancy.
Did you have a spell of vertigo or dizziness? Sometimes the disorientation is powerful enough to make a person vomit. Sweating commonly occurs as well.
I (a male) joked when you signed a copy of your second book at “The WIlk” eons ago that you were so funny I wanted to bear your child. While funny in my head, it came out awkwardly, and we both hurridly ended that conversation. Point: I’m claiming I planted the seed (not literally) for this joke, in a pointless glory-grab.
I should have known the conclusion based on the choice of image. I can’t wait to see you on Oprah, ’cause the pregnant guy that used to be a girl has nothing on you.
Brevity is the soul of wit, they say. A fine example. Carry on.
If you decide to have the baby, PLEASE shave the beard. One or the other I could handle, but not at the same time.