Congratulate me on my blessed event

So here’s what happened to me this morning. I arose at my customary hour and went about my usual routine. The specifics of the hour and the routine are of no import. The only unusual thing was that my lower back was hurting when I got up, but even this is not entirely unheard of. Apart from that, an absolutely normal day.

Then, while at my desk, I was suddenly struck by a wave of nausea. Not the kind where you feel it creeping on gradually, but the kind where you suddenly realize, wow, I’m going to throw up RIGHT NOW.

I thought — and maybe even said aloud — “Huh. That’s weird.” For I had done nothing to cause nausea. I had consumed only what I usually consume in the morning: a glass of Slim-Fast and an apple. Not only are these things relatively healthy, they are what I consume every day. Even if I were starting each day with a glass of Jack Daniels and a pie, my body would be used to it by now.

Still, the evidence was incontrovertible. I was going to vomit. There being no reason for it didn’t change the fact that it was going to occur. I vomit so infrequently that this was, in itself, a momentous occasion. That it was to happen apparently unprovoked just made it more so.

I hurried to the bathroom and assumed the usual position, retched a couple times, and brought up only a couple small bits of apple. Nothing else. Yet I immediately felt relieved, though sweaty, and my day went back to normal.

So what happened? The only conclusion that makes any sense, given that I woke up with a sore lower back and had a sudden bout of nausea, is that I am pregnant. Neither of the two things normally required for pregnancy — i.e., being a woman and having recently had sex — apply to me, but what else could it be? And now that I look more closely at my gut, I do seem to be “showing.” Like I need another mouth to feed, in addition to my own, which obviously I am barely capable of feeding already.