In 2003, I reviewed a very bad Jessica Alba film (pardon the redundancy) called “Honey,” a “Glitter”-esque trainwreck about a white girl who becomes a famous hip-hop dancer.
Last week, the review prompted an e-mail from someone named Allie, who had read it over at EFilmCritic.com. Allie made the mistake a lot of young and/or stupid people make, wherein she believes she is writing not to the film critic, but to the star of the film, or possibly to the film itself.
Yo this film is quality these got to be a honey 2 because this one was excellent I cant stop watching it I come home the I put it on over and over again
And ive lent some of your moves and they are classy you got to do a honey 2 and you got do do it up tide put more moves in it email me back dog
And tell me what’s going down. And say hi to benney for me k
For the benefit of my readers who do not speak Imbecile, I have hammered out a rough translation:
Hey, this film is high-quality. There has got to be a “Honey 2,” because this one was excellent. I can’t stop watching it: I come home, and I play it over and over again.
Also, I have learned some of your dance moves, and they are classy. You MUST do a “Honey 2,” and you must do it up “tight,” by which I mean full of more great dance moves.
E-mail me back, dawg! Tell me what’s happening with you. And say hi to Benny, a fictional character in your movie played by Lil Romeo, for me, OK?
Our next e-mail came from a concerned reader who had read a post I made on my message board regarding Hurricane Katrina and the South. The post was a few paragraphs long, but at one point I said: “Today in the paper there were harrowing accounts of people barely being rescued, and it’s supposed to be stirring, gripping to read — but one of the people they’re talking about is a woman named Fluffy Sparks. How am I supposed to take a story seriously when it’s about Fluffy Sparks?”
A few weeks later, the concerned reader wrote me this e-mail:
I read a comment you made re: the Katrina evacuees & the stories coming out of the disaster area. I understand the intent of your overall comments, and I sincerely mean this with no disrespectÃ¯Â¿Â½.But please be careful with what you write. ‘Fluffy’ is a real person with a spirit and personality that is befitting of her nickname which she chose to use when she was interviewed. I’ve met her. The articles you read are a fairy tale compared to what she actually went through. And in looking for her family that is still missing in New Orleans, she read your comment. Despite the old saying about sticks and stones, words do hurt…they do….especially at a time like this.
I replied as follows:
Thanks for the e-mail. I am sorry if Fluffy was offended by what I wrote, and I do wish her and the other victims of the hurricane the best. But at the same time, you can’t tell a reporter that your name is “Fluffy” and then be surprised when people think it’s a funny name when they read it in the paper the next day. I mean, it IS a funny name, especially when it’s juxtaposed with something so serious as Hurricane Katrina.
But I assure you, my amusement is only at her name — and I maintain a person can’t go by the name “Fluffy” and not expect people to think it’s funny — and not at her situation, which of course has my utmost sympathy.
I do hope Fluffy is doing OK, of course. To reiterate: What happened to Fluffy = not funny. Fluffy’s name = funny.