Everything Ricky Gervais said last night

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Here is a transcript of everything Ricky Gervais said at the 2011 Golden Globes on Sunday night. This hardly does it justice, of course, since timing and delivery are so important. (You can see a video of the first four minutes — up through the Hugh Hefner bit — over here.) But you get the idea, and at least now it’s entered into the record. Also, except where it’s otherwise noted, everything that was supposed to get a laugh got one. You can watch the tape and see for yourself.

Everything Ricky Gervais said:

Hello, welcome to the 68th annual Golden Globe awards, live from the Beverly Hilton in Los Angeles. It’s gonna be a night of partying and heavy drinking. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it, breakfast.

Wow. Woo. So, let’s get this straight. What he did was, he picked up a porn star, paid her to have dinner with him, introduced her to his ex-wife — as you do — went to a hotel, got drunk, got naked, trashed the place while she was locked in a cupboard. And, uh, that was a Monday! What did he do New Year’s Eve?

Anyway, welcome. The Golden Globes is a celebration of the best in TV and movies over the last year, voted for by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. It was a big year for 3D movies. “Toy Story,” “Despicable Me,” “Tron.” Seems like everything this year was three-dimensional. Except the characters in “The Tourist.”

[There is no immediate reaction from the crowd. It takes a second for it to sink in.]

Um…

[Now there are some groans.]

I feel bad about that joke. No, I’ll tell you why. I’m jumping on the bandwagon, ’cause I haven’t even SEEN “The Tourist.” Who has?

But, no, it must be good, because it’s nominated. So shut up, OK? And I’d like to quash this ridiculous rumor going around, that the only reason “The Tourist” was nominated was so the Hollywood Foreign Press could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. That is rubbish. That is not the only reason. They also accepted bribes.

All that happened was some of them were taken to see Cher in concert. How the hell is that a bribe? Really? “Do you want to go see Cher?” “No.” “Why not?” “Cause it’s not 1975.”

There were a lot of big films that didn’t get nominated this year. Nothing for “Sex and the City 2”? No, I was sure the Golden Globe for special effects would go to the team that airbrushed that poster. Great job. Girls, we KNOW how old you are. I saw one of you in an episode of “Bonanza,” for [bleeped] sake.

Also not nominated, “I Love You Philip Morris.” Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor, two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay. So the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists, then. [Some small laughs can be heard, but the overwhelming majority of the audience reaction is “Ohhh!,” like when you get the wind knocked out of you.]

Probably! My lawyers helped me with the wording of that joke. They’re not here. [I took “they” to mean the actors he’s talking about. His tone seemed like: “Don’t worry, the actors I had in mind aren’t here tonight.” The audience was laughing again at this point.]

There’s been some great new TV drama this year, like “Boardwalk Empire” and “The Walking Dead.” Talking of the walking dead, congratulations to Hugh Hefner, who’s getting married at the age of 84 to 24-year-old beauty Crystal Harris. When she was asked why she was marrying him, she said, “Cause he lied about his age. He told me he was NINETY-four. [checks wristwatch; impatiently] Oh, come on…!”

Don’t worry. Hold out. Just don’t look at it when you touch it. [obscene pantomime of someone performing a sex act while visibly disgusted] [shrugs] I warned ’em.

One of the biggest events in TV this year was the finale of “Lost,” one of my favorites. All the questions were answered, yeah. I have to say, though, it was quite a complicated finale. I’m not sure I totally understood it all. But from what I can make out, I’m pretty sure the fat one ate them all.

Should we get on with it? Our first presenter is beautiful, talented, and Jewish, apparently. Mel Gibson told me that. He’s obsessed! Please welcome Scarlet Johansson.

* * *

[Responding to some confusion as award recipients go different directions to exit the stage.]
It’s like Pac-Man.

OK. You know our next presenter from such films as “Hudson Hawk,” “Look Who’s Talking,” “Mercury Rising,” “Color of Night,” “Fifth Element,” “Hart’s War.” Please welcome Ashton Kutcher’s dad, Bruce Willis!

* * *

Next up, Eva Longoria has the daunting task of introducing the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press. That’s nothing! I just had to help him off the toilet and pop his teeth in! It was messy. Please welcome Eva Longoria.

* * *

[After “The Social Network” clip.] That’s my favorite film of the year. The creator of Facebook, of course, Mark Zuckerberg, is reportedly worth seven billion dollars. Heather Mills calls him “the one that got away.”

The next two presenters are funny, charming, and down to earth. He’s Alec from the Rock; she’s just Jenny from the block. If the block in question is that one on Rodeo Drive between Cartier and Prada. Please welcome Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez.

* * *

I love this next presenter. He’s so cool. He’s the star of “Iron Man,” “Two Girls and a Guy,” “Wonder Boys” — sorry, are these porn films? “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”? “Bowfinger,” really? “Up the Academy”? Come on. He has done all those films, but many of you in this room probably know him best from such facilities as the Betty Ford Clinic and Los Angeles County Jail. Please welcome Robert Downey Jr.

* * *

The next presenter is a true icon. In 10 of the biggest blockbusters of all time, he has shown his extraordinary acting versatility. He has played a boxer. And Rambo. Please welcome Sylvester Stallone!

* * *

Our next presenters are two of the funniest people in America. She stole the show on “Saturday Night Live,” then went on to create, write, and star in her own show, “30 Rock.” He was a jobbing actor, career not going that well if I’m being totally honest, who got his big break when I cast him in a remake of a show that I created, called “The Office.” He’s now leaving that show and killing a cash cow for both of us, please welcome the wonderful Tina Fey and the ungrateful Steve Carell!

* * *

Welcome back. Now, our next presenters are young and thin with hair and teeth. They’re lovely to look at! Which is just as well, because they’re presenting the award for Best Foreign Language Film, a category that no one in America cares about. Please welcome Olivia Wilde and Robert Pattinson!

[That part was at the 1:35 mark. Gervais isn’t seen again until 2:37, an hour and two minutes later.]

* * *

What can I say about our next two presenters? The first is an actor, producer, writer, and director whose movies have grossed over 3 1/2 billion dollars at the box office. He’s won two Academy Awards and three Golden Globes for his powerful and varied performances, starring in such films as “Philadelphia,” “Forrest Gump,” “Cast Away,” “Apollo 13,” and “Saving Private Ryan.” The other is Tim Allen.

* * *

Hello, and welcome back. The next presenter is a national treasure. Miss Congeniality herself. This down-to-earth girl next door first stole our hearts as a bus driver, and then as a railway fare collector. Now, of course, she wouldn’t be seen dead on public transport, because as she just said to me backstage, “Poor people are gross and they smell bad.” Please welcome Sandra Bullock!

* * *

Thank you very much! That’s about it. Well done. Justice there. Thanks to everyone in the room for being good sports. Thanks to NBC. Thanks to Hollywood Foreign Press. Thank you for watching at home. And thank you to God, for making me an atheist. Thank you!

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