Humorous cereal: the gift that keeps on giving

Today the mailman brought me a package postmarked Orem, Utah. I know plenty of people there, but the name and address were unfamiliar. Was this the mail bomb I’ve been expecting for so long?

I opened the package to find a lovely card addressed to me, and a beautiful gift bag. I read the card. It said, in part:

I loved your “Muckoo for Mocoa Muffs” column. Imagine my delight when, that very day, I walked into Harmon’s grocery store and saw the best-named fake Cheerios ever on the end-cap of one of the health food aisles. I bought a box, intending to send it to you, but I have a little procrastination problem and am only just getting around to it.

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Perky O’s: Breakfast of vegan champions who are allergic to everything.

Inside the gift bag was a box of Perky O’s. Yes, Perky O’s! The frosted variety, under the Perky’s brand name. The box declares the cereal “gluten & nut free,” “vitamin fortified,” and “vegan.” The back of the box boldly claims that Perky O’s “have all the taste, convenience and nutrition of the leading O-shaped cereal,” though all three of those claims are false. I know they don’t taste as good as Cheerios, they’re not as convenient because they’re not for sale in as many stores, and they have 3 grams of fat per 3/4 cup serving compared to 1 gram of fat in a whole cup of Frosted Cheerios. But hey, no gluten or nuts! Just like me!

I was delighted by the kitschy gift, which was from a married couple named Holly and Joel. They also included a donation for the Web site support fund, which was extra-nice of them. But I think I’m happiest about the cereal. Perky O’s! What a great name! They taste awful, of course — a lot like styrofoam packing peanuts — but still, the name. Perky O’s! That would be a good name for a cereal made with percocet. Mmm… percocet….

Anyway, thank you Holly and Joel for the nice surprise on this blustery spring day!