Angry Letter: ‘Undiscovered’

Though no one saw the movie (it grossed only $676,000 its opening weekend), rest assured my dissing of “Undiscovered” did not go undiscovered. I received this e-mail from one Christa Lee, angry at what I’d said about Ashlee Simpson and her retarded, buck-toothed sister Jessica. I have replaced all of Christa Lee’s swear words with the word PANCAKE.

Are you flipping kidding me? How dare you put down Ashlee Simpson or Jessica Simpson. How the hell do you think that Jessica Simpson is buck-toothed? [I guess “buck-toothed” isn’t really the term I want. She’s got that big overbite, I mean. On the other hand, if “buck-toothed” is a colloquialism for “dumb and hickish,” then it still fits.] and she only acts retarded because you stupid men put that impression out there that you think that its cute when a girl acts dumb or ditzy. And all you PANCAKE critics are so PANCAKE insecure. you guys are just so jealous because most of you guys are dead beet old ugly men who cant get a woman or a life so you guys need to put down the people with real talent like ashlee simpson. she is the best thing to ever hit hollywood. [I want you to read that sentence again: Ashlee Simpson is the BEST THING TO EVER HIT HOLLYWOOD. The best thing. EVER.] she is so awesome and she’s just herself. she’s not some wannabe trying to act like something that she’s not. [Except when she tries to act like she’s an actress. Or a singer.] she relates with so many people in reality. and all of you guys make some big deal over that PANCAKE that happened on saturday night live. [Who are “you guys”? I didn’t mention the “SNL” thing in my review…] well guess what, she had something wrong with her throat. she was forced to lip sync. it wasnt her fault. and why dont you guys go ahead and put down people like lindsay lohan or hillary duff? every concert they’ve ever done or anywhere they’ve ever sung… they were lip synching. they only have a singing carreer because they started off as actresses and theyre PANCAKE producers want more money so they give them that image and then give them some fake little voice and fix every little thing about them to make people idol them. maybe you should start critising them instead of the people like ashlee simpson who had a rough life to begin with and then is trying to make it as a singer and also has a wonderful voice . i love ashlee simpson and her sister so much [really?!] and you have no right to PANCAKE say that PANCAKE because they are 100% better people than you will ever hope to be PANCAKE.

My goodness, Christa Lee! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? I’ve met Tijuana hookers who didn’t swear as much as you!

I replied to Christa Lee to let her know that I do criticize people like Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff when the situation calls for it, and also to tell her about the First Amendment, which says I do, in fact, have the right to rip on Ashlee Simpson if I so choose. I told her I was baffled that someone could be so ANGRY at something a movie critic had written. Then I wished her luck with high school. She replied:

why do you think im in highschool? and another thing ,, i get so defensive because u didnt just put down her movie,, you put down her and why the hell would you want to put someone down like that? [The funny part is, no I didn’t. All I said about her in the review was that I’m no fan of hers, that “Undiscovered” — in which she is a secondary character anyway — is no good, and that buying her CD would be a waste of money.] she is about as real as anyone out there because she really did have a hard time growing up && shes not just one of those singers who has people write her music for her ,, she writes it .. its 100% real. and 100% from her heart . thats something that can never be put down and i cant believe that you would want to. and jessica simpson is not buck toothed. and she has her reasons to act ditsy like she does. so… critisize that

I guess I should critisize that. I am a critis, after all.