Parking Spaces

One of my most irksome pet peeves is when I’m looking for a place to park and discover someone is using his car to straddle the line and thus occupy two spaces. In fact, it bugs me even when I’m not looking for a space, just on principle. What’s with these guys? (It’s always guys.) Is their car so much more precious than the rest of ours that they can’t park next to anyone and run the risk of getting scratched or dinged? Well guess what, hombre. You take your car out in public, you take the chance that something will happen to it. That’s the danger of living in a world that contains other people. If you don’t want to assume that risk, then leave the car in the garage — or better yet, find something more worthwhile to obsess over than the condition of your car. You know, like maybe ANYTHING. What’s next? Are you going to start straddling the line on the freeway, taking up two lanes and thus maintaining a distance from the other cars of at least 10 feet on either side?

If the problem is that your car is too wide to fit in one space, then you must have accidentally purchased a Humvee, or some other absurd vehicle meant for military maneuvers or action films. Take it back to the point of purchase and ask for a refund — unless you think you actually NEED a car that big, in which case visit a therapist and see if there’s anything he can recommend to help you with your feelings of inferiority.

If you don’t want anyone parking near you, then park at the far corner of the lot, where no one wants to park anyway. Take up all the space you want over there. Then get over yourself, punch yourself in the face, and go home and wish someone liked you.