‘Snide Remarks’ Classic: ‘Thinking Outside the Box’

We’re commemorating the 10th anniversary of “Snide Remarks” by highlighting an oldie-but-goodie every Wednesday in 2007. This week’s choice is a lighthearted tale called “Thinking Outside the Box,” in which we planned a special birthday surprise for my mom and in so doing almost made her wet her pants. It’s column #347, and it was published Feb. 23, 2003.

The reason I wanted to fly home for Mom’s birthday was that it was her 50th. I didn’t mention that in the column because in those days Daily Herald readers (being bastards) liked to complain that I was “too young.” If they disagreed with a movie review I wrote, it’s because I was too young to understand the world. If I made a joke they didn’t like, it’s because I was just a kid. Because of this, I was always careful not to mention my actual age, as it would have fueled the fire — and revealing that my mother was a mere 50 would have let the cat out of the bag that I was most likely only in my mid-20s myself.

Mom was actually 21 when she bore me (and quite married, thank you), and I was 28 when this column was published. But when the average age of your readers is 60, even 28 is “too young.” I suspect that even if I were writing for the Herald today, well into my 30s, most of the Herald’s ancient, fussy readership would consider me but a child.

Anyway, just because I can never get enough of it, here’s a picture of my mom with her favorite chihuahua poking his head out from betwixt her bosoms.