Here’s the rundown on this year’s “American Idol” finalists.
Amy Adams: She’s the one with the krazy pink hair. Like all people with krazy pink hair, she dyed it krazy pink so that people would notice her. Well, it’s not working on me. I’m going out of my way NOT to notice her.
For her: She has a great, mature voice, in stark contrast to her faux-punk appearance.
Against her: Her best friend is a person named “Cortnie.”
Camile Velasco: She’s one of the 11,000 contestants from Hawaii. OK, I’ve just double-checked, and apparently there are only two. But still.
For her: She’s sorta pretty, in a bland, Cinemax sort of way.
Against her: She sang a great song this week, “Son of a Preacher Man,” but it suuuuure was boring.
Diana DeGarmo: She’s one of the 11,000 teenagers in this year’s competition, and isn’t she just cute as a frickin’ button?! I could chop her up, deep-fry her and eat her.
For her: Her rendition of Aretha’s “Think” would have made me get up and boogie, were it not for my prosthetic hip.
Against her: She’s from a place called “Snellville.” WTF?
Fantasia Barrino: She’s a favorite so far, having gotten high marks from the judges almost every time. Still, I can’t past the fact that she has a huge, gaping jaw, vaguely resembling the title character in the film “Predator.”
For her: A great voice.
Against her: Her name is Fantasia Barrino, people. FANTASIA BARRINO.
George Huff: The judges kept telling him he looked too old, and he FINALLY figured out that the reason was that he had a mustache, which adds 10 years to ANYONE, and he got rid of it. Ah, too bad he’s still a goofy, Mr. Potato Head-looking performer.
For him: His voice is pretty decent, and I like how he hops around when he dances, like his head’s on fire and his butt’s catching.
Against him: Even without the mustache, he’s still not Idol material.
Jasmine Trias: What a lovely Hawaiian beauty she is! She sang “Inseparable,” which the “American Idol” Web site consistently misspells “Inseperable.”
For her: She wears a flower in her hair, but she makes it work.
Against her: Can the Hawaiians knock off the smug “we’re-so-happy-all-the-time,” “Aloha spirit” nonsense? It’s really starting to grate on those of us who don’t pass one dreamy day after another wandering white-sand beaches, playing ukuleles and ingesting entire pigs. Quit being so [expletive] happy all the time!!
Jennifer Hudson: I like her attitude and her personality, though I don’t like that she pronounced the silent “s” in “Illinois” (her home state).
For her: She reminds me of Aretha Franklin, both in her voice and her stage presence, and that’s a good thing.
Against her: She’s essentially competing against the other really strong female black performers, and La Toya London is a little bit prettier, which is probably what it will come down to.
John Stevens: The crooner. He’s 16, he looks 14, and he sounds 40. He sings with all the choirs at his high school. I don’t care if he wins “American Idol,” he’s still going to get beaten up by the jocks every day after school, and rightfully so.
For him: He’s unique.
Against him: He’s unique. We only get one chance a year to choose an American Idol, and we’re not going to waste it on a niche performer. You don’t see us electing rappers or yodelers, do you?
Jon Peter Lewis: The Mormon boy from Rexburg, Idaho. His father is a round buffoon and evidently proud of it. Like a Smurf, Jon is four apples high.
For him: His voice is strong, and folks seem to like his personality.
Against him: I can’t shake the impression that he’s like 1,000,000 guys I knew at BYU, none of whom I would vote for in anything.
La Toya London: She’s the gorgeous Bay Area girl with the soulful voice.
For her: The judges love her, and she has tremendous energy.
Against her: Once again, I couldn’t tell you a single thing about her other than what I just said. She doesn’t stand out enough from the pack. I recommend she get arrested.
Leah Labelle: She’s the one from Transylvania.
For her: She’s exotic, insofar as Eastern Europe is exotic. Maybe depressing is more the word I’m looking for.
Against her: She’s already been booted out. Go back to Russia, Natasha!
Matthew Rogers: He’s a football player. When he was in college, he played in the Rose Bowl. How do I know this? Because he has never opened his mouth without mentioning it. Photos in his televised bio show he’s had the goatee for at least 10 years, which means he was wearing it back when it was actually fashionable.
For him: I refuse to accept that anything could possibly count in his favor. As far as I’m concerned, everything about him is a minus.
Against him: I’ve never liked jocks, and he’s no exception. I do look forward to seeing him beat up John Stevens, though.