I started to write a parody of “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen,” in the spirit of my “Twilight” and “Titanic” screenplays, but stopped before I got very far. I soon realized that, after less than a week of release, the movie had already been so thoroughly dissected, mocked, ridiculed, and satirized on the Interwebs that there wasn’t anything left for me to say. In the interest of completeness, however, here’s what I came up with before I abandoned the project.
My Rejected “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” Screenplay
OPTIMUS PRIME: (voice over) For the last two years, the Autobots have secretly been working with the U.S. military to hunt down and destroy the remaining Decepticons. We work in secret not because people would freak out if they knew alien robots were real, but because they’d be angry over how different the alien robots are from the alien robots they used to see in cartoons. Luckily, there were no witnesses to the large-scale, broad-daylight destruction of Los Angeles in the last film, so we’ve been able to keep the whole thing hush-hush.
ARMY GUY: Optimus! Shut up with your narrating and get to work! The Decepticons are attacking Beijing!
OPTIMUS PRIME: OK, OK. Hey, do I need to put in for overtime on this?
ARMY GUY: No, just mark it on your time card and we’ll let H.R. sort it out. And save your receipts!
SAM: I’m going off to college, Bumblebee, and I can’t take you with me. I’ll miss you!
MEGAN FOX’S BREASTS: What about us?
SAM: Yes, Megan Fox’s breasts, I’ll miss you too.
MEGAN FOX’S BREASTS: Just don’t cheat on us with any other breasts while you’re away!
SAM: Don’t worry! Believe me, I’m every bit as terrified of women as I appear to be! Oh, hey, look — it’s a piece of the Allspark that was almost completely destroyed in the last film! It’s been here in the pocket of my hoodie all this time. Huh.
MEGAN FOX’S BREASTS: You’d think you would have noticed it before.
SAM: Yeah. I guess this hoodie has been hanging up in my closet for two years and I haven’t worn it or looked at it since that night.
MEGAN FOX’S BREASTS: Well, it’s a good thing you found the Allspark sliver, considering it has the power to do whatever random thing needs to be done, plot-wise.
SAM: Good point, breasts. Whoops! Now it’s turning the household appliances into Decepticons!
MEGAN FOX’S BREASTS: Yeah, you’re gonna have some of that.
* * *
I did like the idea of Megan Fox’s Breasts being characters by themselves, and I was looking forward to the exaggeratedly racist attributes that the Autobot twins would take on. But those ideas alone weren’t enough to sustain the project. Note that my ability to recognize when I lack creative inspiration and thus stop what I’m doing is one of several things that makes me better than Michael Bay.