(For complete background on this feature, read the introduction here. But here’s the gist: I registered a fake e-mail address for actress/singer Raven-Symone and announced it here, with the disclaimer that it wasn’t real, figuring dumb people would ignore that part and write to it anyway. And I was right.)
It is time once again to open Raven-Symone’s mailbag (if you know what I mean) and make fun of the simple-minded children who write to her. I would have run a new edition of this feature sooner, but the volume of mail received at Raven’s fake e-mail address has slowed to a trickle in recent months. Most of what she gets now is very generic (“Hi Raven, I love you!”) or consists only of her fans inviting her to join them on Facebook or MySpace or Beebo or JimJum or Froofraff or whatever.
But here’s what we do have! Enjoy!
CHILDREN’S LETTERS TO RAVEN-SYMONE
May 15, 2008:
Is this raven -symone?(YES or NO)answer please>This is all I need to know.
* * * * *
June 3, 2008:
Hi Raven
I watched the Oprah Show where it feature the reunion of the Cosby Show and Raven-Symone appeared on the show.
She looked fabulous and I really loved the lipgloss colour she has used on the show.
Could you please please let me know the brand name and the colour of the lipgloss please.
The colour she used was in a pale pinkish shade and it looked great on her skin colour and would like to have that please.
Do let me know.
Thanks
Annie
[Note how the letter begins by addressing Raven directly, then switches to referring to Raven in the third person. This is a literary device pioneered by Joyce and Faulkner, so I’m impressed that Annie was familiar with it.]
* * * * *
June 8, 2008:
just so you know were not idiots,have you ever thought about how stupid it is to make up a fake address of raven symones just to see our responces
do you know raven’s real phone number
[This might have been a joke, but it seemed legit to me. The joke e-mails are usually more outrageous in their misspellings.]
* * * * *
June 9, 2008:
Heeyaa Raven
Omg i love your show “That’s So Raven” its awsum
Your like one of my favourite people on the disney channel …X
anyways please write back
Your biggest fan
Beckiiee …X
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
[Surely “Beckiiee” is not REALLY her name. Right?]
* * * * *
June 11, 2008:
Hey you are totally awesome. Are you going to be in the Cheetah Girls Three movie. I thought your acting in those movies was totally awesome but I also love you College Road Trip Movie too. That was some pretty funny stuff. Anyway I just wanted to say that I am a very big fan and I also love you acting in “That’s so Raven”. It’s so hilarious. [Not totally awesome?]
A Very Big Fan From HAWAII
Shanyn
* * * * *
[Here are four e-mails received from someone named “Jabrehia.”]
June 16, 2008:
ohhhhh snap girl now u r the bomb.I like yo song double doutch bus. [Double Douche Bus?]
LOVE from a fan
June 21, 2008:
girl send me back u ain’t sent me back yet. [Come on, Raven, send her back! I know you kept the receipt, and the postage is covered. Send her back!]
July 3, 2008:
girl i’m getting tired of u not sending me back.i’m afan from fitzgerald.
July 12, 2008:
hey.ray a very good fan i am.good as i can be u don’t send me.why don’t u seeeeeeend.
[Raven doesn’t send because you are needy. You are a burden on her. Your friendship is ova.]
* * * * *
June 25, 2008:
Hey Ray, how u doin i not like the other people im a down to earth fan so do u want to chat sometime email me back
[Actually, you exactly like the other people.]
* * * * *
June 27, 2008:
[The e-mail address indicates this girl was born in 1994.]
Hey Raven,read this email and answer all my questions(if u have time.their all at the bottom tho).
I think u have a amazing voice and ur extremly gorgeous.IU RAVEN FOREVER AND ALWAYS.My BFF,Nikoo told me that she loved me as much as u love ur BFf’s.I told her i love her back and she said that “as BFFS we need stuff to do togheter”.I said”I know i’ll ask Raven maybe she can give us advice.”And she said ok”
Any advice
PS. Please no sleepovers included cause my mom thinks im to young to go to sleepovers!!!
If u wanted to buy 2 “Best Friends” necklace&charm bracelets would u buy,gold,or silver?Where would u go to buy a BFF neckalace:claire’s,ebay,or sears?And also what would u to not let anyone come between u and ur BFF?Is it weird if BFF’s hold hands?Watz Ashley, Miley’s email.
[Is this e-mail creepy, hilarious, or creeparious? You decide!]
* * * * *
June 30, 2008:
if ur the real raven symone please send a message back
[If you want me to eat these cookies, please say absolutely nothing. Thy will be done. *NOM NOM NOM*]
* * * * *
July 5, 2008:
Oh mah god iz this raven i love you so much like if you were mah sister or mother you are mah favorite singer and actor please respond please
[You are getting on mah nerves.]
* * * * *
July 29, 2008:
HI RAVEN I AM YOUR BIGGET FAN YOU HAVE IN SPIRED ME TO FOLLOW AY DREAMS AND THAT I CAN DO ANY THING I SET MY MIND TO
YOUR BIGGEAT FAN DESTINY [last name]
[Sadly, Destiny’s biggest dream is to be America’s foremost grammar and usage expert.]
* * * * *
Aug. 10, 2008:
Hey raven! i love thats so raven, its so funny [and so Raven!]. r really pretty n a good actor. im 15 now but wen im older i wanna sing. i love music especially hip hop, pop n rnb! the only thing is i hav very low self confidence n i wanna hav confidence but i just dont hav any. i get nervous easily n i worry bout things so easily. i was writin to u hopin, that u can write bak wen u can n give me sum advice on how to get far in my life like u hav n how to b confident.
frm stacey [last name] frm northern ireland
xxx
please write bak
thnx xx
* * * * *
Aug. 29, 2008:
what is your cell #
anonomus
[It’s hard to be anonymous when your name, Tabitha [last name], is right there in your e-mail address.]
* * * * *
Oct. 22, 2008:
my names is jhonatan i like much of you!!!!i will speeak much of you.rule one email for [e-mail address] please!!!!!!!!
Oct. 23, 2008:
Raven I taste very of you please speak with me only I think about you .mande every day an email for [e-mail address] please .te I love of truth, but I only want that you at least .te talks with me loves!
[To be fair, I believe Jhonatan is from Brazil and his native language is Portuguese, as indicated by his e-mail address. To be unfair, JHONATAN?!]
Sweet Jumping Codfish! Eric, would you let Raven Simone know I want to be her BFF forevers? Thanks, man.
The Brazilian one made me laugh. In Portuguese, “Eu gosto muito de você” (I like you a lot) could be translated word for word as “I taste very of you,” but only if you are Babelfish or a dumb kid using Babelfish.
Eu = I
gosto = taste (the noun, not the verb)
muito = much
de = of
você = you
It only gets worse from there. Way to be a linguist, Jhonatan!
(Also, “Jhonatan” is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to creative Brazilian interpretations of English names. When I lived in Brazil I knew a Patrhycia and someone whose name was Richard who pronounced it as HEE-shar-jee, which actually makes perfect sense in Brazilian Portuguese but still made me laugh every time I heard it.)
I expect the lack of emails is probably due to Raven-Symone’s waning star. Let us all pray that Little Fockers is a huge hit and children around the world, once again, see Raven-Symone as the guiding light she truly is.
Maybe Eric could give the movie a preemptive A rating.
Amazing. Just yesterday I was thinking, “I haven’t seen any more of Eric Snider’s Raven Symone letters in a long time. I miss those. They must not be coming much any more because her show probably isn’t on much. Too bad.” And then you post more letters. The humor gods must have read my mind.
Hmmm…. I haven’t received any unexpected large checks made out to me in a long time. I miss those….
Reading Jhonatan’s heartfelt declaration that he “taste very of you”? Highlight of my day.
Translating Jhonatan’s words back into Portuguese was the most fun I’ve had all week. How can something that sounds so perfectly normal in one language turn out so creepy and nonsensical in another?
I’m so happy you provided us with more of these! I’d been waiting.
I like much of you!!!!!!!!!!
“HI RAVEN I AM YOUR BIGGET FAN”
When I read that, in my mind I pronounced it as it’s spelled. I am your bigot fan!
It’s impossible to choose a favorite, but I think mine is the array of BFF etiquette questions from the 1994 fan. Her mom should really let her go to a few slumber parties so she can finally get some answers.
“[You are getting on mah nerves.]” made me laugh out loud.
put it with a picture of a kitty and it gets better!
I’ma put a vote in for “creeparious”.
Can we please break down what this means: “Raven I taste very of you”? Or would that be too inappropriate for the website?
“Raven I taste very of you”?? That calls for a LOLcat:
*please work image tags!*
Making fun of simple-minded children = fun. I think it would be more fun to make fun of simple-minded adults. Who are some older people obsessed with? Orlando Bloom, or Tobey Maguire? There has to be someone better, though maybe no one enjoys as much popularity among the simple-minded as the Disney Channel “stars”. For some reason when it comes to adults, I only envision desparate women trying to email celebrities. I guess I envision desperate men doing something else entirely…
Eric,
Iuv usom mch will u snd me your # so we will be BFF and go to sears and get gold brcls and hold hands, would that be weird??
the writting is so bad I can even imitate (hehe) it here.
Yes I know that word above is not correct, that is part of the joke
Lol. “say nothing if you want me to eat the cookies. thy will be done.” that’s terrible. and yet so funny.
Holy crap that lolcat made me laugh SO HARD.
I wonder if Raven gets much in the way of nigerian email scams or pharmaceutical spam or such? And by Raven I mean Raven D. Snider.
Delightful–and I have to go with the simplicity of the very first one as my favorite:
“Is this Raven? This is all I need to know.”
Has it really been more than two years since our last CLTRS? Damn you Raven and your waning popularity. If only there were a chance to jump on the Bieber wagon and ride this thing for another couple of glorious years.