Cinematical Exclusive: The Changes in Store for the Oscar Ceremony!

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The producers of this Sunday’s Academy Awards telecast have been vocal about their intentions to change some things about the show. But apart from hiring a non-comedian, Hugh Jackman, as the host, they’ve been silent on what those changes might be — until now! Cinematical has obtained an exclusive look at some of the surprises in store for Oscar viewers this weekend, and we’re pleased to share a few of them with you here.

Just for laughs, the “In Memoriam” montage will feature several people who are still alive.

The audience seat-fillers were all recruited from Burbank’s homeless population.

If Heath Ledger wins the Oscar for his role as the Joker in “The Dark Knight,” it will be accepted by Cesar Romero.

You know how the president of the Academy always comes out and gives a long, boring speech about goodness-knows-what, and you take that opportunity to go to the bathroom? Well, stay put, because this time he’s going to be set on fire.

No more courteous orchestra music to cue long-winded award recipients, as the stage now has a trapdoor.

The show will be broadcast only in Spanish.

Rather than requiring the orchestra to learn the theme music from every nominated film and be ready to play it at a moment’s notice, every winner will be accompanied to the stage by “We Are the Champions.”

Special surprise presenter: Aretha Franklin’s inauguration hat.

A tiny camera will be affixed to Jack Nicholson’s sunglasses, ensuring the home audience of a constant view of Salma Hayek’s cleavage.

The announcement of the big winner, Best Picture, will be dragged out for 45 minutes by Ryan Seacrest.

To increase the potential for drama, Angelina Jolie will be seated next to Jennifer Aniston, Alec Baldwin will be seated next to Kim Basinger, and Michael Moore will be seated next to a pie.

— Cinematical