Thank you. Oh wow. I am continuing to express my disbelief as the applause dies down.
Now that the applause has ceased, I begin my speech outright. First, let me make a transparently false claim of utter surprise at having won! I would also like to express hollow praise for the other nominees in this category. All of them are deserving of some adjective such as “amazing” or “inspiring.”
Here is where I marvel at the sheer number of people I ought to thank. It is a large number! Allow me to offer a listing of them, each name accompanied by a few words. For example, when I mention my co-stars, I will use the words “amazing” and “inspiring.” My spouse or partner has always believed in me. My deceased parent never gave up on me, and indeed, this award is for him or her. I cast my gaze upward as I say this, to emphasize the point that my deceased parent now resides in heaven above me.
If the film for which I have been awarded is a “message” film, I must also get serious for a moment and say a few words about that message, and how much I believe in it, and how important the film has been to me personally. Working on this film was an extraordinary journey for me, regardless of what kind of movie it was or whether it was any good.
Oh no! Now I am becoming flustered by the music that has begun to play, indicating my time is up! My voice grows a little louder and more panicked as I rush to conclude my remarks. Let me end by paying lip service to some important charitable cause and/or political concern! And now I hold my Oscar aloft as I say “thank you” once again and exit the stage, first in the wrong direction, and then in the right direction.