Out of George Lucas‘ Death Star-like headquarters comes word that the “Star Wars” creator/ruiner is producing a computer-animated musical, to be directed by Kevin Munroe (“TMNT”) and written by David Berenbaum (“Elf”). All anyone knows about the plot so far is that fairies are involved. We don’t even know for sure whether Lucas had anything to do with the story. But it would be unusual for him to be involved this heavily if the story hadn’t been conceived in his nerdy little brain, so let us predict…
What a George Lucas Musical Will Be Like
The singers won’t be very good. Think about it. When he needed actors, Lucas cast people like Jake Lloyd and Hayden Christensen. So when he needs singers, naturally he’ll find people who can’t sing. Look for someone kicked out in the first round of “American Idol.”
At least one character will be so annoying that you’ll long for the measured, restrained tastes of Michael Bay. There’s a pretty good chance this character will be racially offensive, too.
The first part of the movie will be done with puppets and models, but gradually everything will be replaced with computer animation. They’ll still make Kenny Baker sit in a trash can-size costume, though, just for fun.
The bad guys will have names that tell you they’re bad guys. Remember Darth Maul, Darth Sidious, and General Grievous? Get ready for Malicious Q. Terminate, King Maim of Dismemberia, and Killy Hitlerman!
When he tinkers with it later on, at least he’ll be in good company. It’s actually pretty common for writers of Broadway musicals to add and subtract songs as the show is workshopped. Sometimes a previously deleted number will turn up when the show is revived years later. Disney even did it with “Beauty and the Beast,” inserting the “Human Again” sequence when the movie was released in IMAX in 2002. Of course, in most of these cases, the alterations are for the better and don’t send the shows’ fans into hissy fits, but still. At least there’s a precedent.
John Williams will compose the music, which will be obvious as soon as it starts. Because it will sound just like “Star Wars,” “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” “Superman,” and the other 12,837 film scores he has composed.
The first DVD version of the film won’t have any of the songs. For that you’ll have to wait for the Special Edition, which will be in the wrong aspect ratio. To get the original film as it appeared in theaters, you’ll need to wait 30 years for the Ultra Special Deluxe Edition, during which time a dozen other versions will have been released, too, all of which you will have bought but complained about.
No matter how bad it is, it probably won’t be worse than “Nine.”
[ It ended up being “Strange Magic,” released almost exactly five years after this announcement was made. It got bad reviews and completely tanked at the box office. ]