We were planning to interview Rob Zombie in conjunction with the upcoming sequel-to-a-remake “Halloween II,” which he wrote and directed. But then some things piled up on our desks, and we lost track of time, and, well, you know how it goes. So instead, here’s a fake interview with Rob Zombie that we made up.
Our Fake Interview with Rob Zombie
FILM.COM: Thanks for meeting with us today, Mr. Zombie.
ROB ZOMBIE: My pleasure! I’m always happy to take a few minutes off from devouring tasty human brains to talk to the press.
FILM: Ha ha, right, because you’re a “zombie.” I get it. I notice that your real name is Robert Bartleh Cummings. May I call you Mr. Cummings?
ZOMBIE: You may not.
FILM: Tee-hee. “Cummings.”
ZOMBIE: I WILL SMASH OPEN YOUR SKULL AND FEAST ON YOUR BRAINS!
FILM: Point taken. Now, I don’t know the first thing about your music, and I suspect I would not enjoy it if I did. It’s that loud, yelling, growly stuff with the crunchy guitars, right?
ZOMBIE: And Satanic imagery!
FILM: Yeah. Bleh. So let’s talk about your movies, which are equally unpleasant but not as loud. Why did you decide to move from making ghastly metal-noise to making brutally unwatchable horror films?
ZOMBIE: Well, I was looking for something new to do with my career, and I thought that filmmaking might be something for which I would have no talent whatsoever.
ZOMBIE: As you can see, I was right. I’m awful. My stories are vicious, ugly tales with no redeeming social value, and I tell them in the most garish, distasteful way imaginable.
FILM: I had noticed that, but I didn’t want to say anything.
ZOMBIE: No, by all means, fire away.
FILM: Well, I will say that “The Devil’s Rejects,” your atrocity from 2005, is one of the nastiest, most repellent moviegoing experiences of my life.
ZOMBIE: Aw, thank you. That’s very sweet of you to say.
FILM: No, truly, I mean it. Utterly vile and reprehensible. The perversity on display, and the lack of wit or skill with which it’s portrayed, is astonishing.
ZOMBIE: Stop! I’m blushing!
FILM: Now, as I understand it, you’re also a hypocrite, is that right?
ZOMBIE: Hmm. I think I know the answer to that one, but go ahead.
FILM: Back in 2002, you were asked about movie remakes, and you said: “I feel it’s the worst thing any filmmaker can do. I actually got a call from my agent and they asked me if I wanted to be involved with the remake of [‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre’]. I said no f****** way! Those movies are perfect — you’re only going to make yourself look like an a****** by remaking them…. It’s like a band trying to be another band. You can sound like The Beatles, but you can’t be The Beatles.”
ZOMBIE: Yes. I absolutely feel that way.
FILM: But then you went ahead and did a remake of “Halloween.”
ZOMBIE: Well, yeah, but that’s different.
FILM: How is it different?
ZOMBIE: Because some Hollywood people backed a dump truck full of money up to my house. DUH.
FILM: Many people felt that by giving Michael Myers a backstory to explain his insanity, you made him less scary than when we knew almost nothing about him.
ZOMBIE: Yeah, that’s what I was going for. I wanted to ruin the character.
FILM: Why would you do that?
ZOMBIE: Because I come from hell and seek the annihilation of all pleasure and joy, including that derived from horror films.
FILM: Do you really come from hell? Because Wikipedia says you were born in Massachusetts.
ZOMBIE: Tomato, tomahto.