Our spies have once again discovered raw, uncensored footage of a pitch meeting held in Los Angeles, the result of which was the movie “Grown Ups,” which opens June 25. Our spies are strangely prolific when it comes to finding this sort of thing.
DENNIS DUGAN: Good afternoon, gentlemen! I don’t know if you’re familiar with my work, but my name is Dennis Dugan, and I have made a career out of directing films in which “Saturday Night Live “alumni speak in funny voices and fall down.
STUDIO EXEC #1: Familiar with your work?! The only thing I’m more familiar with than your work is the sound of my laughter when I’m watching your work!
STUDIO EXEC #2: “Happy Gilmore,” “Beverly Hills Ninja,” “Big Daddy,” “The Benchwarmers”…
STUDIO EXEC #3: “What are the greatest movie comedies of all time, Alex?”
(All laugh merrily.)
DENNIS DUGAN: Well, thank you, I appreciate that. I’ve got a new project today that I hope you’ll be interested in. It would be a comedy starring Adam Sandler –
STUDIO EXEC #1: Sold!
STUDIO EXEC #2: Here’s 50 million dollars!
STUDIO EXEC #3: Have it ready by June!
DENNIS DUGAN: Don’t — don’t you want to know what it’s about?
STUDIO EXEC #1: Eh.
STUDIO EXEC #2: Does it matter?
STUDIO EXEC #3: We’ll listen, but only if you tell us a funny story about working with Adam Sandler first.
DENNIS DUGAN: Um, OK. Well, there was this one time, when we were making “Happy Gilmore,” and I was trying to tell Adam to lean toward the camera for a particular shot, but I accidentally said, “Clean toward the camera,” and Adam instantly broke into a baby-talk voice and said, “Shabbidy shoobidy me no speak English good yet!”
STUDIO EXEC #1: Ha ha!
STUDIO EXEC #2: Classic Sandler!
STUDIO EXEC #3: “Shabbidy shoobidy” is my yoga mantra!
STUDIO EXEC #1: OK, tell us about your movie, but only if it’s as funny as that.
DENNIS DUGAN: It would star Adam Sandler and some of his buddies as a group of men who are buddies, who get together for the Fourth of July weekend.
STUDIO EXEC #2: Whoa, whoa, slow down, “Gilmore Girls.”
STUDIO EXEC #3: That’s an awful lot of material for one film.
STUDIO EXEC #1: How will you cram all that into two hours?
STUDIO EXEC #2: We may have to film this and its sequel at the same time, like they did with those movies about the fantastical monsters obsessed with jewelry.
STUDIO EXEC #3: “Lord of the Rings”?
STUDIO EXEC #2: No, “Sex and the City.”
DENNIS DUGAN: I know it’s a lot, but I think we can fit it all into one movie if we leave out the plot and just have the guys stand around making wisecracks.
STUDIO EXEC #1: That strategy has never failed us before.
STUDIO EXEC #2: As long as the wisecracks are related to boobs, bodily functions, and the characters’ physical appearances.
DENNIS DUGAN: Oh, absolutely. One of the friends would be played by Kevin James.
STUDIO EXEC #3: He is overweight!
STUDIO EXEC #1: This is comical!
STUDIO EXEC #2: Especially if he falls down!
STUDIO EXEC #3: What do you mean, “if”? Mr. Dugan, I assume Paul Blart Mall Cop will be falling down regularly in this movie?
DENNIS DUGAN: He will seldom be upright.
STUDIO EXEC #1: Which of Adam Sandler’s other friends will play Adam Sandler’s other friends?
DENNIS DUGAN: We’re hoping to get some of the most brilliant “Saturday Night Live” cast members in the show’s history!
STUDIO EXEC #2: Ohh! Joe Piscopo?
STUDIO EXEC #3: Ellen Cleghorne?
STUDIO EXEC #1: A. Whitney Brown?
DENNIS DUGAN: Even better: David Spade, Rob Schneider, and Chris Rock!
STUDIO EXEC #2: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Those three, PLUS Adam Sandler, all in the same movie?
DENNIS DUGAN: That’s right.
STUDIO EXEC #3: This will be the funniest movie ever made!
STUDIO EXEC #1: Science proves it!
STUDIO EXEC #2: I’m gonna beat the rush and wet my pants now!
STUDIO EXEC #3: It may be against the law to produce something as funny as this will be, on account of the ruptured spleens and herniated disks it will cause.
STUDIO EXEC #1: I’ll run it past legal.
DENNIS DUGAN: Just to clarify, you guys realize the film has no plot, right? It’s just Sandler and his buddies sitting around acting like children?
STUDIO EXEC #2: Sure, what else would it be?
STUDIO EXEC #3: If we wanted a plot we’d hire Charles Dickens, not Dennis Dugan.
STUDIO EXEC #1: And I think you know how long it’s been since Charles Dickens got anything produced in this town.
STUDIO EXEC #2: I literally don’t know who or what that is.