For some reason, a German man named Marc Vorlander is apparently making a sequel to the infamous 1995 laughingstock “Showgirls.” Called “Showgirls: The Story of Hope,” this chapter will focus on Hope, a minor character played by Rena Riffel in the original, and more specifically on her brother’s search for revenge after she’s killed by contaminated cocaine. While we have our doubts regarding the actual existence of this film, and whether Vorlander will succeed in securing the legal rights to the “Showgirls” title and characters, that has not stopped us from speculating on the pitch meeting Vorlander gave to his potential investors….
VORLANDER: Hello and I am thanking you for this opportunity of telling you about mine vision for “Showgirls” sequel!
INVESTOR #1: I’ll tell up front, Fritz, I’m skeptical about a sequel to “Showgirls.”
INVESTOR #2: Me too. Have you done any research into whether the public even WANTS a sequel?
VORLANDER: I’m sorry, is this Hollywood? Have I wandered into some other place which is not Hollywood? The original “Showgirls” made only 20 millions of dollars at cinemas, but on home video it made 100 millions of dollars! This movie is very popular, yah? And when movie is popular, a sequel must be made, out of duty, is this not so?
INVESTOR #1: That’s true. Good point.
INVESTOR #2: I apologize. Please, continue.
VORLANDER: Thank you. I have here a chart of research which shows how American men felt about women’s breasts in 1995, when “Showgirls” was made. You can see that at that time, 92 percent of American men “loved” or “liked very much” to be seeing women’s breasts.
INVESTOR #1: Mmm. Fascinating. Yes.
INVESTOR #2: That was 1995, though. Has the trend changed at all since then?
INVESTOR #1: Good question. I wonder if men feel differently about women’s breasts now.
INVESTOR #2: Because of 9/11, maybe.
INVESTOR #1: Right.
VORLANDER: Ah, but I have anticipated your concerns and I have done further researching. Here is a chart of research to show American men’s feelings on women’s breasts now, in 2009. It is still 92 percent!
INVESTOR #2: Wow!
INVESTOR #1: Men STILL like to see women’s breasts. Huh!
INVESTOR #2: I guess some things are timeless.
VORLANDER: This is true. Women’s breasts are classic and beloved. So in making another movie called “Showgirls” which will also have many breasts of women, we are assured victory in this thing!
INVESTOR #1: Agreed. This film is a slam dunk!
INVESTOR #2: But what about the cast? Have you been able to get any of the actors from the first “Showgirls” to appear in the sequel?
VORLANDER: … Actors?
INVESTOR #2: Yes, you know. The cast members. The actors and actresses.
VORLANDER: Pardon me, my English is, how you say, inelegant. Do you mean that the people in first “Showgirls” were professional performers of acting?
INVESTOR #1: Well, yes, of course they were actors.
VORLANDER: Actors who are reading lines from script and pretending to be strippers and pimps and such as this?
INVESTOR #2: Of course. What … what did you think?
VORLANDER: I believed “Showgirls” was a documentary of Las Vegas entertainment industry. This girl who comes to Las Vegas for her dreams, Nomi Malone — she was not a real person?
INVESTOR #1: No. That was an actress, Elizabeth Berkley. She’s not a stripper.
INVESTOR #2: Actually, we don’t know that, do we? She could be now.
INVESTOR #1: Well, yeah, but she wasn’t then.
INVESTOR #2: Right.
VORLANDER: Mine vision for “Showgirls” sequel was to find the strippers and pimps from first movie and film more of their adventures. Now you are telling me these are not real people, yah?
INVESTOR #2: Yeah. Sorry.
INVESTOR #1: But a “Showgirls” sequel is still a great idea!
INVESTOR #2: Absolutely! There are plenty of other women who will show us their breasts!
VORLANDER: This is true. Alas, I was hoping for Nomi Malone. But there are other blond naked women, are there not?
INVESTOR #1: America is full of them!
VORLANDER: Then we will do this thing! Onward to victory!