‘RED,’ As Written by David Mamet


One of the supporting roles in “RED” is played by Rebecca Pidgeon, who is married to David Mamet and primarily appears only in movies written and/or directed by him. When you see Rebecca Pidgeon in a film, you think David Mamet must be involved. As it happens, that’s not the case with “RED.” But it was enough of an excuse for us to imagine what “RED” would have been like if it had been written by David Mamet.

David Mamet’s “RED”

FRANK MOSES (Bruce Willis): F***ers shot up my house.
JOE MATHESON (Morgan Freeman): Your house?
FRANK: My house, the f***ers shot it up.
JOE: Those f***ers.
FRANK: Sons of b******.
JOE: Who were these f***ers?
FRANK: Dunno. The Company, maybe. Black ops? The hell do I know?
JOE: Did you get–
FRANK: Here, I got–
JOE: –I’m gonna need–
FRANK: –a manila envelope full of their fingers.
JOE: –Yeah. Good.
FRANK: Figured you’d want that.
JOE: Sure I do.
FRANK: Run their prints and such like.
JOE: Run those f***ers’ prints, see who they are.
FRANK: See who those f***ers are. The f***ers.
JOE: You get shot?
FRANK: Did I get shot?
JOE: Yeah, you get shot?
FRANK: The hell kind of a question is that? Did I get shot?
JOE: Calm down, man, it’s just a question.
FRANK: I know it’s a question. Your voice went up at the end of it, like a question.
FRANK: Plus I just identified it as a question when I said, “The hell kind of a question is that?,” remember?
JOE: Calm down, man.
FRANK: No, I didn’t get f*****’ shot. Do I look like I got f*****’ shot?
JOE: No.
FRANK: No, what?
JOE: No, you don’t look like you got f*****’ shot.
FRANK: That’s right, a**hole.
JOE: Shoot me in the f*****’ head for showing concern about my friend!
FRANK: Yeah, I need your concern like I need a f*****’ second mortgage on my shot-up-by-f***ers house!


FRANK MOSES: Relax, it’s me. Frank.
SARAH ROSS (Mary-Louise Parker): Frank?
FRANK: From the phone.
SARAH: Frank from the phone?
FRANK: Frank from the phone.
SARAH: In my apartment?
FRANK: Frank from the phone, now Frank in your apartment.
SARAH: Well, Frank from the phone, now Frank in my apartment, what the f*** are you doing in my apartment?
FRANK: There’s some trouble.
SARAH: Oh, some trouble, is there?
FRANK: Yeah. Some trouble. Yeah.
SARAH: Damn right there’s some trouble, you son of a b****.
FRANK: You gotta trust me.
SARAH: I don’t “gotta” do anything, Frank from the phone, you son of a b****. All I “gotta” do is call the police, you son of a b****.
FRANK: Some f***ers are trying to kill me, and they’ll be after you too.
SARAH: Some f***ers?
FRANK: Yeah.
SARAH: Trying to kill you, and now trying to kill me?
FRANK: Yeah. I’m sorry. Yeah.
SARAH: What is this, some kinda secret-agent super-spy bull****?
FRANK: It’s not bull****.
SARAH: I know bull**** when I smell it, and you reek of it, you son of a b****.
FRANK: You gotta trust me.
SARAH: Again with “you gotta trust me”? You are ten pounds of bull**** in a five-pound bag, my friend.


FRANK MOSES: Whoa, whoa! Marvin, don’t shoot!
MARVIN BOGGS (John Malkovich): How the–
FRANK: S***! You–
MARVIN: –f*** did you find me–
FRANK: –scared the s*** out of me!
MARVIN: –you son of a f***?!
FRANK: S***!
MARVIN: CIA, wasn’t it? They sent you?
FRANK: Nah, man.
MARVIN: F***ers watch me day and night.
FRANK: Nah, man.
MARVIN: Then what are you doing here? Just missed being shot at?
FRANK: We need your help, man. CIA’s after us.
MARVIN: Who’s this with you?
SARAH: Hello, psycho.
MARVIN: What’s your name?
SARAH: What’s my name? F*** you, that’s my name.
MARVIN: Well, Miss F***-You-That’s-My-Name, I hope you’re not too attached to this son of a f***, because if the CIA wants him dead, the CIA will most assuredly make him most assuredly dead.
SARAH: I’ll keep that in mind.
MARVIN: Most assuredly.
FRANK: Come on, Marvin. That’s why we need your help.
MARVIN: I look like a guy who can help you? Camouflaged up the ying-yang, residing in the swamps of Florida like some LSD-addled alli-f***ing-gator? This is who you want on your side?
FRANK: It’s either you or that old broad. What’s her name? Victoria.
MARVIN: Old broad Victoria has it goin’ on.

— Cinematical

See also:

Movie review: “RED” (2010) B-