It was announced a few weeks ago that a Justice League movie was in the works, and the response within the nerd community was overwhelming: “We like Wonder Woman’s breasts!”
Also, there has been some discussion of casting. The Justice League, if you’re not “hip” to the “jive,” is a consortium of DC Comics heroes who work together to battle the forces of evil. The group includes Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Flash, Green Lantern, and Martian Manhunter, all of whom besides Superman are of course unnecessary. And while it’s been confirmed that George Miller will direct, no one knows yet who will play any of the superheroes.
This has led to rampant speculation on the Internet and plenty of false rumors. Jessica Biel will play Wonder Woman! No, it’s Shannyn Sossamon! Christian Bale will play Batman! No, he won’t! Rupert Evans is Superman! Whoops, never mind!
As an antidote to all this madness, we offer:
People Who Are Not Being Considered to Play Justice League Members
Superman: John Goodman
While he has the all-American charm, the height, and the deep voice, we don’t think Goodman would be right as the Man of Steel, primarily because he is very fat. And sure enough, Warner Bros. agrees with us, as John Goodman is not being considered to play Superman.
Batman: Zac Efron
Warner Bros. is all about finding hot young stars to play these roles, not old fossils. At first we thought Zac Efron, fresh off his “High School Musical” and “Hairspray” successes, would be a perfect choice for the Caped Crusader. But then we remembered that Batman is supposed to be tough and gritty, and Zac Efron is effeminate and made of satin. Because of this, sure enough, he is not being considered to play Batman.
Wonder Woman: Elizabeth Taylor
On the one hand, she has the dignified air of royalty about her; she’s beautiful; and she’s a Hollywood legend. On the other hand, she is 103 years old and possibly insane. Also, she’s not particularly tall. For these reasons (mostly the height issue), Elizabeth Taylor is not being considered to play Wonder Woman.
Flash: Flash the Basset hound from ‘The Dukes of Hazzard’
It seems like a great idea. Roscoe P. Coltrane’s faithful hound was named Flash, and here’s a character named Flash! The dog that played Flash wouldn’t even have to learn a new name to respond to! Unfortunately, the dog that played Flash has been dead for at least 20 years. Consequently, he is not being considered to play Flash.
Aquaman: Howard Stern
At first blush, he seems born to play the role of Aquaman. Like Aquaman, Howard Stern is fairly useless when compared to his colleagues. He and Aquaman also share a love for water sports. Unfortunately, Stern refused to take the part unless the movie’s title was changed to “Howard Stern in the Adventures of Aquaman, Starring Howard Stern.” And so now he is not being considered to play Aquaman.
Martian Manhunter: We have never heard of Martian Manhunter before.
Our primary exposure to the Justice League comes from old “Super Friends” cartoons, and Mr. Manhunter was not in them. Hence we have no idea who should play him — but we’re pretty sure it shouldn’t be Whoopi Goldberg.
Green Lantern: An actual green lantern
We love the ingenuity in buying a green lantern at Home Depot and using CGI to make it appear to talk, move, fight crime, etc. But since the other characters are being played by traditional human actors, and since there’s a good chance at least one of those roles will be played by someone who could be out-acted even by an inanimate object, a green lantern is not being considered to play Green Lantern.