Things the Avengers Theoretically Would Not Assemble For


So this movie coming up, “The Avengers,” you know what it’s about, right? It’s about some superheroes from other movies, plus a guy with a bow and arrow, who get together to fight villains. This is necessary because some villains are too powerful to be vanquished by just one superhero (unless that superhero is Superman, who you’ll notice is not in this movie). From what I gather, one of the Avengers sees a threat, says “Avengers assemble!,” and the Avengers assemble. I believe attendance is mandatory. I don’t think you are allowed to opt out of the assembly if you’re an Avenger.

We know the kind of things the Avengers will eagerly assemble for: supervillains, killer robots, monsters from other dimensions, Tom Hiddleston, etc. But let us now hypothetically consider scenarios in which the Avengers would refuse to assemble.

Things the Avengers Theoretically Would Not Assemble For

– To fight the scourge of between-meal snacking among children.

– To help Bruce Banner move to a new apartment.

– To help Black Widow fight a speeding ticket.

– “Mad Men.” We all have DVRs. We don’t have to watch it together. Tony has a thing on Sunday nights anyway.

– A meeting of people who want to repeal the part of the First Amendment that guarantees the right to peaceably assemble. The Avengers do not like situational irony.

– A performance of Batman’s one-man show, “I, A Bat.”

– Game night at Nick Fury’s house, because last time they did this, Nick lost an eye.

– To play softball against the Justice League. Those guys cheat.

– Christmas caroling.

– Comic-Con.

– Fourth of July barbecues. Steve Rogers treats it like a religious holiday, reads the Declaration of Independence aloud, weeps uncontrollably, brings everyone down.

– Not a damn thing, unless you’re willing to pay the standard $50,000 appearance fee.