As discussed in Snide Remarks #57, some people sent in some really gross and horrifying roommate stories. All of these, I have to believe, are true; I really can’t see anyone making this stuff up. I am quoting directly from the e-mails I received.
Before going any further, please understand that some of these entries are very, very gross. I cannot overstate this. In fact, the single worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life is contained on this page. Proceed with caution.
– “Do you collect every piece of gum you chew and add it to your massive gumball until it is the size of a volleyball and has more colors than Joseph’s Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat?”
– “Do your abnormal bowel problems cause large quantities of gas to accumulate in your intestines, which you relieve twice a day by sharing it all in your neighbor’s room while they are trying to study?”
– (from a girl:) “Have you ever felt it necessary or had the urges to leave any sort of feminine hygiene products around the house, used?”
– “Do you delight in flatulence? Do you like to share your joy (and your bodily functions) with others?”
– “Do you leave little wadded up balls of human hair in strategic locations around the apartment, including your roommate’s bed?”
– “Do you bleed on things and not wipe up the blood?”
– “Do you leave ANYTHING that was once part of your body and is not any longer anywhere where your roommate may have to deal with it (e.g., bodily fluids, hair, nail clippings, mucous)?”
– “Can you belch the entire alphabet?”
– “Do you poop more than four times a day?”
– “Do you have a rash on areas of your body which I do not wish to see?”
– “Are you compelled to pick your nose and then either a) wipe it on anything and everything which happens to be convenient, or b) flick it around the room just making sure it doesn’t land on any of your stuff?”
– “Do you relieve yourself in empty cocoa mugs while watching TV, because you’re too lazy to get up and go to the john?”
– “Do you call your roommates into the bathroom so they can marvel at the size of your turd before you flush it?”
What you are about to read is officially the worst thing I have ever read in my life. I’m not kidding. I know it’s true, too, because it happened to a friend of mine, and he explained the whole story in his e-mail. Expectant mothers and the elderly should not continue reading.
– “Do you leave your own turds hidden around the apartment, so that the place stinks like feces no matter how many times your roommates vacuum, and no matter how many air fresheners they put up, and so they find your excrement weeks later, say, under their bed, behind their books, and sometimes even find them immediately in not-so-discreet places, such as in the shower, or right smack in the middle of the bedroom carpet?”
Remember: No one made you read all this. I’m kind of sorry I had to type it.