Ready to Rumble

Remember how “Dumb and Dumber” had a few moments of actual comedy, mixed in with a lot of gross, stupid stuff? Take out those moments of actual comedy, and you’ve got yourself a film called “Ready to Rumble.”

Remember that great episode of the “The Simpsons” in which Krusty the Clown gets canceled due to competition from another kids’ show, and Bart and Lisa help him get back in shape and stage a comeback, with help from his old show-business friends? That’s almost exactly the same plot as in “Ready to Rumble,” but with two major exceptions: the “Simpsons” episode was really funny, and the “Simpsons” episode was only a half-hour long.

“Ready to Rumble” is two hours of kicks in the crotch, poop jokes, and David Arquette squealing like the retarded monkey he apparently is, and each of those elements is presented in the extreme. (Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many kicks in the crotch in one movie, and I include “Gandhi” in that statement.)

Arquette and Scott Caan star as two Lusk, Wyo., losers named Gordie and Sean. They’re big wrestling fans, particularly when it comes to their hero, current champion Jerry King (Oliver Platt). They believe wrestling is real, which is an indication of how stupid they are, and Gordie’s dad wants to force him into taking the police officer’s exam and become a cop, which is an indication of how stupid Gordie’s dad is, to think his idiot son would even pass the exam. (That, or the exam in Wyoming is really easy. Actually, I’ve dealt with cops in Wyoming. I take back what I said about Gordie not passing it.)

Anyway, Gordie obviously wants nothing to do with police work; he wants to be a Jerry King groupie instead. When King is dethroned by a promoter who wants a new star of the show, Gordie and Sean make it their quest to find King and help him regain his title. This leads to a number of cross-country road trips in King’s mobile home, and quite a few poop jokes and kicks in the crotch.

They also visit Martin Landau, who plays an old-timer wrestler who trains King. Seeing Landau (well, seeing Landau’s stunt double) beat the crap out of a couple of REAL professional wrestlers later in the film is the only thing saving this horrific mess from getting an F grade.

Also helping, slightly, is Oliver Platt. He’s overweight and pasty, and clearly not championship material. That alone is a little funny. But he also nails the part pretty well, especially the redneck accent and mannerisms. The few times I chuckled in the movie were due mostly to something Platt was doing or saying.

The film resorts to every teen-age boy gross-out laugh-getter ever used in a movie, adding none of its own. (So it’s not only bad, it’s even unoriginal in its badness.) There’s an old lady who swears. There are nuns who fart. There’s a septic tank that sprays sewage on people. And did I mention the kicks in the crotch? Well, get ready, ’cause there are some.

Wrestling fans may enjoy the fact that so many real-life pro wrestlers appear in the film. However, those same fans may not appreciate the fact that pro-wrestling fans are made to look like losers and idiots. Of course, they might not notice they’re being made fun of, either, so maybe it will work out.

Whatever the case, this film is not for normal people. It’s for people who think ALL bodily-function humor is funny, no matter what, and who also like wrestling. I suspect those two categories go hand-in-hand fairly often. Enjoy “Ready to Rumble”! I’ll be over here, trying to forget I saw it.

D- (; PG-13, heavy profanity, brief nudity, scantily clad women, sexual references, vulgarity, crass humor, wrestling-related violence, including some blood.)