A Good Sense of Rumor

Every now and then I like to perform a valuable public service by quoting the gossip magazines and then telling you what’s really being said. Gossip magazines aren’t hard to read, of course, as they use a seventh-grade vocabulary. But often the messages are couched in polite language that the uninitiated reader might have trouble deciphering. So here are some samples, along with my translations, all taken from the July 7 issues of Us Weekly and Star magazine.

What they say: “Gwyneth Paltrow turned heads in a Stella McCartney jumpsuit at ‘Iron Man’s’ L.A. premiere.”
What they mean: “Gwyneth Paltrow turned heads because people wondered why someone had put a jumpsuit on an ironing board.”

What they say: “David Hasselhoff said: ‘A while back I tried to buy the rights to do “Baywatch: The Musical.” It would have been fantastic.'”
What they mean: “David Hasselhoff is drinking again.”

What they say: “‘This is false,’ a rep for [Christina Aguilera] tells Us of Star magazine’s report that she would continue nursing her son until he is 2 years old in order to keep her cleavage.”
What they mean: “Aguilera’s son released a statement indicating he was ‘disappointed.'”

What they say: “‘3rd Rock’s’ Kristen Johnson: ‘I realize I’m too skinny.'”
What they mean: “America’s population: ‘Who is Kristen Johnson?'”

What they say: “The Rolling Stones’ Ron Wood gave away daughter Leah, a model, in London June 21.”
What they mean: “He gave her away not as a bride, but in exchange for a pound of cocaine.”

What they say: “Arnold Schwarzenegger stripped down to a Speedo while sunbathing in Cancún.”
What they mean: “Unlike the Terminator, witnesses’ appetites won’t be back.”

What they say: “Being a mother has completely changed Jennifer Lopez.”
What they mean: “Jennifer Lopez is talented now.”

What they say: “Evan Handler, who plays Henry Goldenblatt on ‘Sex and the City,’ hasn’t seen the ‘Sex and the City’ movie yet!”
What they mean: “Evan Handler is not a woman.”

What they say: “After nearly two years together, Ryan Phillippe and Abbie Cornish no longer date in secret.”
What they mean: “Ryan Phillippe and Abbie Cornish would like a little more attention, please.”

What they say: “He sings, he dances, he hosts — he even writes! Is there anything Mario Lopez can’t do?”
What they mean: “The one thing Mario Lopez can’t do is stop looking at himself in the mirror.”

What they say: “She’s three years older than he is, but that’s not stopping Drew Barrymore from affectionately calling boyfriend Justin Long ‘Daddy.'”
What they mean: “Drew Barrymore has found a way to seem even creepier than before.”

What they say: “When Kim Kardashian shows up at an event, most people aren’t looking at her eyes.”
What they mean: “When Kim Kardashian shows up at an event, most people are looking at the guest list to see if a mistake has been made.”

What they say: “Bikini waxing is not just for ladies anymore. Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs recently revealed, ‘I wax my privates.'”
What they mean: “Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs overestimates the public’s interest in his grooming habits.”

What they say: “Megan Fox said, ‘If a guy loses his virginity at 15, that’s great, but if a girl does, it’s shocking and awful. I think that’s wrong.'”
What they mean: “Megan Fox lost her virginity at 15.”

What they say: “They’ve been dating only seven months, but Kristen Bell is already serious with actor Dax Shepard.”
What they mean: “This marks the first time that anyone named ‘Dax’ has ever been taken seriously.

What they say: “Jamie Lynn Spears feels her family doesn’t think she’s mature enough to handle motherhood.”
What they mean: “Jamie Lynn Spears, who just gave birth at 17, isn’t 100 percent certain who the father is, and plans to marry her boyfriend/statutory-rapist Casey, will continue the family tradition of ignoring every good piece of advice she gets.”

What they say: “Mariah Carey’s fee for singing at a private show is $1 million.”
What they mean: “That’s a small price to pay to keep her from singing in public.”

This is the fourth time I've done this; the last time was here, coincidentally almost exactly a year ago.

SnideCast intro & outro: "Pick-a-Little, Talk-a-Little," from "The Music Man."