My fellow Christians — excuse me — my fellow Americans — I come before you on the eve of Super Tuesday to remind you once again of a very important truth: God wants me to be president.
I know that in the past God’s chosen candidate has not always been elected. Sometimes America has gone astray, ignored God’s candidate, and put someone non-God-approved into the White House. And we have suffered the consequences every time, from the misdeeds of one Democratic president, to the incompetence of another Democratic president, to the dishonesty of yet another Democratic president. Let us not make that mistake this year.
Some say that I should not be elected because if I am, I will let my religious beliefs determine all of my policies. I say I will not let my religious beliefs determine my policies. I will let my religious knowledge determine my policies.
Some say I should not be elected because I am a dangerous crackpot whose dogmatic narrow-mindedness would cause this country irreparable harm. I say that’s never stopped us before.
As you know, I recently said I wanted to amend the Constitution to make it more in line with God’s will, as found in the Bible. But don’t worry! I intend to follow God’s will as found in the New Testament a lot more closely than God’s will as found in the Old Testament. God’s will in the Old Testament was kind of cranky. In fact, we’ll probably just throw out the Old Testament altogether, except for the parts that say it’s OK to kill gay people.
When I talk about amending the Constitution to be more in line with God’s will, I’m specifically talking about abortion. I want the Constitution to say the same thing about abortion that the Bible says: absolutely nothing.
No. Wait. That can’t be right. What I mean is that since God obviously doesn’t want us having abortions — don’t ask me how I know that, I just do — we should amend the Constitution so that abortion is illegal. God’s not really keen on divorce, either, so you’d better get that out of your system now, too.
I make no secret of the fact that I intend to let the Bible do all my thinking for me if I am elected president. But does that mean that I am insensitive to the wishes of people who do not believe in the Bible? Of course not. I will take their wishes very much to heart, as long as those wishes are coincidentally found in the Bible. Otherwise, no, I really don’t care what those people think. You’re telling me I should place a lot of importance on the opinions of people who are going to hell when they die? I don’t think so!
The United States is a Christian nation. It always has been. All of the candidates in this election are Christians, though of course I have to put sarcastic finger quotes around the word “Christian” when I refer to Mitt Romney. Oh, I know he SAYS he’s a Christian, in the sense that he worships Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior. But we true Christians know that there’s a lot more to being a Christian than merely believing Jesus is the son of God, praying in His name, and seeking to follow His teachings. Being a true Christian also means home-schooling your children, fearing science, and hating foreigners. And in those areas, my friends, Mitt Romney falls short.
I ask you, who else among the major candidates could possibly be God’s choice? Barack Obama, the Muslim? Mitt Romney, the Satan-worshipper? Hillary Clinton, the woman? Please.
Now, some naysayers have pointed out that the terrorists believe they are supported by God, too, as do the religious tyrants who run countries like Iran. How am I any different from them? the naysayers ask. To me, the answer is obvious. The problem with the terrorists and jihadists is not that they’re zealously and fanatically devoted to their religion. It’s that they’re devoted to the wrong religion. I think you’ll agree that there’s nothing wrong with having a president who will force his religious views into every facet of American life as long as those views are Christian. I mean, we’re all Christians anyway, right? So what difference does it make? Electing me would be like putting up a “no smoking” sign in a room full of non-smokers.
So when you go into that voting booth, and you’re alone with your conscience, remember this. A vote for Mike Huckabee is a vote for modern-day fundamental Christianity at the exclusion of all other viewpoints. A vote against Mike Huckabee is a vote for the wrath of God to be visited upon all mankind. Choose wisely! Don’t make God angry. You wouldn’t like Him when He’s angry.
Thank you and good night.