I went to see Tiffany in concert at the BYU on Monday for the same reason I would go to a traveling freak show: It may be unsettling to watch, but I’m curious to see if anyone has two heads.
OK, maybe not exactly the same reason. My point is, I’m not exactly a huge Tiffany fan, and I’m not convinced anyone really is. After it was announced she would be performing on campus, I casually polled every single person I know, and no one could remember anything she sang other than 1987’s “I Think We’re Alone Now,” which was actually a remake, which means technically, she didn’t have ANY hits. (Several people tried to say she sang “Lost in Your Eyes,” but in fact that was Debbie Gibson — the Britney Spears to Tiffany’s Christina Aguilera.)
I was curious whether this “comeback” tour, in which she’s performing at colleges all over the United States, would be embarrassing. I suspected it would be. It seemed like people attending the concert would be doing so to watch an ’80s has-been try to regain her former popularity, which was dubious in the first place.
(Free joke you can tell your friends: What did Tiffany say to the bank officer after her popularity faded? “I think I need a loan now.”) (I didn’t say it was a good joke. What do you want for free?)
Upon arriving at the BYU, I was not surprised to find literally thousands of people there, clamoring around the outdoor stage, “clamor” being one of the few verbs permitted under the Honor Code. I figured a dozen or so were actual fans, and the rest were there for the camp value, like I was.
A BYU representative stepped forward to announce Tiffany, and everyone got real loud and excited. Then they had to shut up because, in BYU’s typically surreal juxtaposition of sacred and secular, someone had to offer a prayer. (“Please help Tiffany to rock” is something the person offering the prayer did not say.)
It was important that a prayer be offered so that Tiffany could be properly inspired when she sang: “Then you put your arms around me/And we tumble to the ground/And then you say/I think we’re alone now.” (Also: “Look at the way/We gotta hide what we’re doing.”)
After the crowd yelled a thundering “amen,” Tiffany came onstage. She sang a lot of her new songs, which all sounded about the same. Her guitarist was hopping around like he was a superstar. My friend Reyna pointed out to me the sadness inherent in this situation, as here was a guy who was not even a former pop star; he was a former pop star’s guitarist. (Reyna also suggested we start the rumor that the reason Tiffany performed at BYU is that she’s a Mormon now. So consider the rumor officially begun!)
After a while, I realized something strange: I graduated from this university years ago, yet here I was, standing on campus like a student and listening to Tiffany. Not one detail of this scenario made any sense. Next thing you know, I’ll be wearing socks with sandals and proposing marriage to girls I’ve just met.
Then I realized something else. Though I had come to the concert to mock Tiffany, I was actually enjoying myself. Tiffany was rocking, to the extent that Tiffany can rock. I didn’t care a lot for her new songs, but then, I didn’t care a lot for her old song(s), either.
You have to respect someone who has the courage to stage a comeback. Many have tried and failed. Take Donny Osmond, for example. He spent most of the ’80s in oblivion, then tried a comeback in 1989 with “Soldier of Love.” Do you remember this song? Of course you don’t. The song stunk, and his comeback didn’t work. But he reappeared a few years later, this time acting out characters from Bible stories, and he was a star again. Then he did that dreadful talk show with his sister, What’s-Her-Face, and lost a few points. But the net result is that he’s a big deal again, and he has fans everywhere, all the way from Logan to St. George.
Others have not been so lucky. Huey Lewis, Vanilla Ice and cocaine all tried comebacks, but to no avail. I don’t know whether Tiffany will fare any better, but one thing’s for certain: She’s a Mormon now. Spread the word!