The alignment of the planets into a neat, orderly row means it is time once again for an installment in the endless series known as “Ask Eric Stuff.” How does it work? It is simple. People ask Eric stuff, and he answers them, providing guidance and tutelage to the guideless and tuteless.
All of these are actual questions asked by actual readers, and you can actually submit your own questions here [URL is outdated]. Please be aware that questions riddled with profanity or spelling errors will be forwarded to the FBI.
Dear Eric: I’m fed up with working for a corporation. Do you know of any other ways that I can secure a steady income? — Employee No. 266970
Dear 24601: Yes. Become a corporation that hires nameless employees.
Dear Eric:Why is there no such thing as a free lunch? — Hungry in Honeyville
Dear Piggy: You obviously haven’t heard of a little place I like to call The Dumpster Behind Wendy’s.
Dear Eric: If you could have any other job, what would it be? — Job Hunting
Dear Hunter: The guy who hoses down Oprah.
Dear Eric: If so many people get so shocked and appalled at your columns, why do they continue to read them every Wednesday and Friday? — Loves to Laugh
Dear Needs Medication: The column is like a trainwreck. The people know it’s going to be awful and grotesque, but they still can’t help but look at it, because they’re stupid jerks who like to complain.
Dear Eric: What do you think about guys getting perms? — Perm-a-licious Pete
Dear Permy: The same thing I think about guys cutting off their legs with hatchets: Fine, if that’s what you want, but don’t you realize how silly you’re going to look?
Dear Eric: A guy has asked me out every day for two weeks. I’ve told him several times that I don’t like him and I don’t want to go out, but he persists. How do I make him go away? — Not Interested
Dear Not Interesting: Go out with him and then say you want a commitment. You’ll never hear from him again.
Dear Eric: Why do these crazy Mormons keep claiming they’re Christians? — Baptist from the South
Dear I Think I Have a Copyright on the Word “Christian”: I dunno. Probably the same reason people from the United States keep claiming they’re Americans.
Dear Eric: Do you like Carl’s Jr? — Hamburger Mom
Dear Beefy: No, Carl’s Sr. was a lot better. His son’s a punk.
Dear Eric: How do I get a cute girl at my school to notice me? — Curious in Orem
Dear Curiosity: Whatever you do, don’t ask her out every day for two weeks! Apparently, they hate that.
Dear Eric: What is the difference between buffalo and bison? — Wondering out West
Dear W.O.W.: Buffalo is a city in New York. A bison is an animal resembling a buffalo. I hope this helps.
Dear Eric: Is salon-brand shampoo really better for your hair? — Trish the Dish
Dear TriDi: For my hair?! I’ve been using it as a salad dressing! (I’m only kidding. I don’t eat salad.)
Dear Eric: What’s your favorite color? — Lavender Lady
Dear Lav: Bloodshot.
I think the person who asked why Mormons call themselves Christians thought he or she was reaching a sympathetic audience by asking me. He or she was mistaken, obviously.