Sweet sassy molassy! It’s time for another installment of “Ask Eric Stuff.” This is a very popular feature — heavens, is it ever popular. We’ve had to hire a fictional secretary just to go through all the “Ask Eric Stuff” mail — in which ordinary people like you ask Eric stuff, and then he replies with some witty rejoinder or caustic remark, making you wonder why anyone would ever ask him a serious question in the first place.
You are thinking, “Can I, a regular Joe, also submit a question to ‘Ask Eric Stuff’?” The answer is yes, my friend. You can do it here [link outdated].
Dear Eric: Do people ever threaten your life? — Worry Worm Wendy
Dear WWW: So cold. So very, very cold.
Just kidding, I’m not really dying. Do people ever threaten my life? No, but John Birch Society members do.
Dear Eric: Why do people always call Freddie Prinze Jr. “Freddie PRINCE Jr.”? — I bet you won’t answer my question
Dear Lost a Bet: Because he stopped answering to “Hey, [expletive]head!”
Dear Eric: I’ll be leaving on a mission soon, any advice? — Dear Elder
Dear Dear Elder: Yes. Remember that sister missionaries aren’t whiny; they’re just more spiritual than you and can’t find a suitable way of expressing it.
Dear Eric: Why is my boss so mean? — Confused at Convergys
Dear Convergys: Because you’re always doing things like saying publicly that there are mean bosses at Convergys.
Dear Eric: If Bill Gates were to give you $10 million, would you stop writing your stupid column? — Bill Gates
Dear Billy: What? And pass up scintillating conversation like this?
Dear Eric: There’s this cute girl that I really like but she doesn’t even know I exist. What should I do? — Perplexed in Provo
Dear Perple: Start existing.
Dear Eric: What’s a good way to waste time at work but still look like you’re busy? — Goldbricker
Dear Goldy: Write a column where all you have to do is come up with smart-aleck answers to people’s questions.
Dear Eric: In what comic book issue of “Spider-Man” does Peter Parker turn to the Dark Side? — Spiderfan in Springville
Dear Spidey: It was series number you’re a nerd, issue number get a life.
Dear Eric: When is the world coming to an end? — Walter Mitty
Dear Walty: Dude, it was yesterday. You totally missed it. It ROCKED.
Dear Eric: Does it ever offend you when somebody you like or respect thinks that your writing bites? — Hard to Offend
Dear Hardy: Well, I wish Mom had found a nicer way of putting it than wrapping the newspaper in dog feces and setting it on fire in front of my house, and I wish my bishop had not urged the congregation from the pulpit to stone me to death, but no, I can usually deal with criticism.
Dear Eric: Why are guys so stupid sometimes? — Breaking Up With My Boyfriend
Dear Breaky: Because the rest of the time, they’re busy being idiotic.
Dear Eric: What’s the difference between a Mac and a PC? — Computer Scooter
Dear Scooty: Macs work 95 percent of the time and are compatible with 5 percent of the software; PCs are compatible with 95 percent of the software and work THIS IS BILL GATES. YOU HAVE PERFORMED AN ILLEGAL OPERATION. THIS COLUMN WILL BE SHUT DOWN.