Sweet sassy molassy! It’s time for another installment of “Ask Eric Stuff.” This is a very popular feature — heavens, is it ever popular. We’ve had to hire a fictional secretary just to go through all the “Ask Eric Stuff” mail — in which ordinary people like you ask Eric stuff, and then he replies with some witty rejoinder or caustic remark, making you wonder why anyone would ever ask him a serious question in the first place.
You are thinking, “Can I, a regular Joe, also submit a question to ‘Ask Eric Stuff’?” The answer is yes, my friend. You can do it here [link outdated].
Dear Eric: Do people ever threaten your life? — Worry Worm Wendy
Dear WWW: So cold. So very, very cold.
Just kidding, I’m not really dying. Do people ever threaten my life? No, but John Birch Society members do.
Dear Eric: Why do people always call Freddie Prinze Jr. “Freddie PRINCE Jr.”? — I bet you won’t answer my question
Dear Lost a Bet: Because he stopped answering to “Hey, [expletive]head!”
Dear Eric: I’ll be leaving on a mission soon, any advice? — Dear Elder
Dear Dear Elder: Yes. Remember that sister missionaries aren’t whiny; they’re just more spiritual than you and can’t find a suitable way of expressing it.
Dear Eric: Why is my boss so mean? — Confused at Convergys
Dear Convergys: Because you’re always doing things like saying publicly that there are mean bosses at Convergys.
Dear Eric: If Bill Gates were to give you $10 million, would you stop writing your stupid column? — Bill Gates
Dear Billy: What? And pass up scintillating conversation like this?
Dear Eric: There’s this cute girl that I really like but she doesn’t even know I exist. What should I do? — Perplexed in Provo
Dear Perple: Start existing.
Dear Eric: What’s a good way to waste time at work but still look like you’re busy? — Goldbricker
Dear Goldy: Write a column where all you have to do is come up with smart-aleck answers to people’s questions.
Dear Eric: In what comic book issue of “Spider-Man” does Peter Parker turn to the Dark Side? — Spiderfan in Springville
Dear Spidey: It was series number you’re a nerd, issue number get a life.
Dear Eric: When is the world coming to an end? — Walter Mitty
Dear Walty: Dude, it was yesterday. You totally missed it. It ROCKED.
Dear Eric: Does it ever offend you when somebody you like or respect thinks that your writing bites? — Hard to Offend
Dear Hardy: Well, I wish Mom had found a nicer way of putting it than wrapping the newspaper in dog feces and setting it on fire in front of my house, and I wish my bishop had not urged the congregation from the pulpit to stone me to death, but no, I can usually deal with criticism.
Dear Eric: Why are guys so stupid sometimes? — Breaking Up With My Boyfriend
Dear Breaky: Because the rest of the time, they’re busy being idiotic.
Dear Eric: What’s the difference between a Mac and a PC? — Computer Scooter
Dear Scooty: Macs work 95 percent of the time and are compatible with 5 percent of the software; PCs are compatible with 95 percent of the software and work THIS IS BILL GATES. YOU HAVE PERFORMED AN ILLEGAL OPERATION. THIS COLUMN WILL BE SHUT DOWN.
The "very, very cold" line at the beginning of the first answer is a reference to my column from a week earlier, where I'd made fun of the death of Ann Landers. That column was despised by many Herald readers and had caused something of an uproar.