Ask Eric Stuff 13

Well, I’ll be judied! It’s time to make up words like “judied” (past tense of the verb “to judy”), and it’s also time for “Ask Eric Stuff,” a staggeringly popular feature in which people ask Eric stuff and he answers them. People write in wanting advice and opinions, and advice and opinions is/are what they get!

You can submit your own questions here. Items of general interest, and to which Eric can think of snarky answers, will be printed occasionally in this column. Boring questions will be judied.

Dear Eric: How do I get a great job like yours? — As Clever as Eric
Dear Of Course You Are: Night manager at Arby’s? Oh, it’s not hard. I’ll send you an application.

Dear Eric: I am colorblind and struggling to make it in our unkind society. Could you please help me cheer up? — Seeking Grants
Dear Blindy: You’re colorblind? HA HA! That’s funny! Hey, colorblind! How many fingers am I holding up? And what color are they? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Dear Eric: Would you ever date a fan of your column? — Thinks Eric is Hot
Dear Delusional: Sure. And I would date a unicorn or a griffin, too, if they existed.

Dear Eric: Donald Duck never wore pants, right? So how come after taking a shower he always wears a towel around his waist? — Couch Potato
Dear Spud: The question is, why do you want to see a cartoon duck naked?

Dear Eric: What’s the best thing money can buy? — Greedy in Georgetown
Dear George: Money.

Dear Eric: Will you marry me? — Crazy About You in Cache Valley
Dear Crazy: Possibly. You’re not into cartoon ducks, are you?

Dear Eric: Where in the nursery rhyme does it ever say that Humpty Dumpty was an egg? — All the Kings Men
Dear Men: In the little-known second verse, which begins: “There once was an egg from Nantucket.”

Dear Eric: Where do babies come from? — Curious
Dear Curry: From the woman who lives down the street from me. Eight and counting! She’s like a Pez dispenser!

Dear Eric: Why do all of today’s popular songs have such asinine lyrics? — Deep Folkster
Dear Folksy: Good point. What happened to the intelligent lyrics of yesteryear, such as, “You ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog/Cryin’ all the time/You ain’t never caught a rabbit and you ain’t no friend of mine”?

Dear Eric: Have you ever thought of running for office? — Gayle Ruzicka’s Evil Twin
Dear Medusa: I’m too lazy to ever think of “running” for anything. I wouldn’t run for water if my head were on fire. I might consider walking for office, but even then, I don’t know. Isn’t there an easier way to get to office?

Dear Eric: The neighbor kids torment my dogs through the fence, and then their parents threaten to have my noisy dogs taken by Utah County Animal Control. What do I do? — Bark Collar in Orem
Dear Barky: I know it’s difficult, but you may have to consider euthanasia. Their parents will miss them for a while, but they’ll thank you later.

It had been more than four months since the last installment of "Ask Eric Stuff," by far the longest gap since I began the feature. The reason for the delay was a simple one: I couldn't think of funny answers for any of the questions that had been submitted. Every couple weeks I would pull up the file of questions and stare at it for a while, each time unable to come up with anything. Finally, after leaving it alone for well over a month, I returned to find the writer's block gone and the column flowed out smoothly and easily, like lava down the side of a picturesque volcano.