Ask Eric Stuff 14

What the–?! It’s time for another installment of “Ask Eric Stuff,” a regular feature that is so absurdly popular that the government asked us to stop doing it for a couple years. In this feature, people ask Eric questions, and he answers them as best as can be expected under the circumstances (the circumstances being that Eric is a snarky jerk). You, too, can submit questions to “Ask Eric Stuff” by going here.

And now, let the questioning and answering commence! Huzzah!

Dear Eric: What’s up with this crazy weather on the east coast? One minute it’s freezing and the next we’re all sweating through our shirts. — Nutty in New England
Dear NINE: Really? Through your shirts? Most people sweat through their armpits.

Dear Eric: Is your condo BYU-approved? — Wondering in Washington
Dear Washy:. No, but I did manage to get it UVSC-approved, by putting a sign on the front door that says “push,” with a picture next to it.

Dear Eric: Why did milk get so expensive all of a sudden? — Cowless
Dear Cowl: Because of the ongoing war against terror being fought in Iowa. The Iowan hardliners are refusing to do business with the United States, and this has driven up milk prices.

Dear Eric: Have you ever tried online dating? I’m thinking that at the old-maidenly age of 27 it’s about time I give it a go. But will I meet anyone as special as you? — Sweetly Single
Dear Single: Depends on how you mean “special.” If you mean “retarded,” then yeah, you’ll definitely meet people as “special” as me. Almost everyone on the Internet, in fact.

Dear Eric: I am a very nice dentist. Why do people always tell me, “No offense, Doc, but I hate dentists”? Should I keep trying to be nice or just give up and be as hateful as they expect me to be? — Dr. Really Nice
Dear Dr. Feelgood: You’ll have to bear with people. It’s not that they actually hate dentists; it’s that they associate visits to the dentist with discomfort, blood, drool and being charged $150 to scrape gunk off their teeth when they could have gotten a sharp piece of metal and done it themselves for free. Win their trust by trying not to be such an evil sadist.

Dear Eric: In your last column, you had a fictional character named Ivan Drbckz. How is that pronounced? — Hooked on Phonics
Dear Phony: EYE-van.

Dear Eric: Do you have any tattoos? — Inked up in Indiana
Dear Inky: Yes. I had all of my internal organs tattooed with my name so that if they were ever stolen, they’d be useless on the black market.

Dear Eric: My sister says that guys “don’t think.” Is that true? — Wondering Woman
Dear Woman: What was the question? Sorry, I was busy playing a video game and saying “dude.”

Dear Eric: My friends work at a local movie theater, so it has been around a year since I have had to pay for a movie. Do you think this is unethical? — Stealin’ in Santa Cruz
Dear Santa: I haven’t paid for a movie in several years, nor for magazines, books or groceries. Not because of perks of my job, but because I’m really, really good at shoplifting.

Dear Eric: I’m in California for the summer and I don’t have any friends out here and I was wondering if you’d come out here and be my friend. — Friendless in Santa Barbara
Dear Santa: No.

Dear Eric: My son’s tennis shoes really, really stink. I don’t even let him keep the shoes in the house. We’ve tried foot odor spray, but that hasn’t helped at all. What do you suggest? — Pinching My Nose
Dear Pinchy: Tell your son if his feet don’t stop stinking, you’ll stop loving him. Then follow through. Good parenting sometimes requires tough love.

"Ask Eric Stuff" first appeared in March 2001 and appeared 12 more times between then and December 2002. At that point, the Daily Herald Web site underwent some transformations that resulted in the question-submission page not working anymore, and I couldn't get anyone to fix it. So the feature just sort of fell by the wayside. I'm glad to have it back, as it's fun to write, and it makes the readers feel like part of the process. (All the questions really are submitted by readers, of course. Wouldn't be funny if I set up my own jokes, would it?)