Well, lookee here! It’s time for another installment of “Ask Eric Stuff,” the fantastically popular feature wherein — follow me here — people ask Eric stuff. He’s Eric D. Snider, and he approves this column.
What should you do if you have a question you want Eric to sidestep in a future edition of “Ask Eric Stuff”? You should go to this page and submit it! After all the questions are submitted, one lucky person will be chosen at random to receive a valuable prize! This prize is so valuable we cannot even tell you what it is. We can tell you this, though: We’re totally lying about there being a prize.
Dear Eric: How do you sell a house that’s near the airport? It’s not in the flight path, and it’s not too noisy, but potential buyers always say they don’t want to live so close to the airport. What can we do? — Baffled in Buffalo
Dear Baffalo: Yikes, selling a house near the airport is hard. I recommend getting rid of that one and getting a different one, one that’s NOT near the airport, to sell instead.
Dear Eric: Does a Nader vote help Kerry or Bush more? — Politically Curious in the USA
Dear Polly: Now, how would I know who Nader’s voting for? You’d have to ask him.
Dear Eric: Why is it so hard to get peanuts on airplanes these days? — Nutty in Nantucket
Dear Nanny: I never really “got” that comic strip anywhere, let alone on an airplane.
Dear Eric: If you could be any plant, what would you be? — Horticulturally Inclined
Dear Hor: Robert Plant.
Dear Eric: My roommate and her boyfriend have been dating a long time, and I’m tired of them hanging out over here. How can I get them to hurry up and get married or break up already? — Missing My Couch
Dear Miss: Tell your roommate you have a crush on her boyfriend and are thinking of asking him out yourself.
Dear Eric: How can I get my wife to stop drinking Coke? — Addict Hubby in Herriman
Dear Herry: She drinks Coke? That’s crazy. It’s much more powerful if you snort it.
Dear Eric: Do you get angry letters now that you’re published only on the internet? — Offended in Suburbia
Dear Sub: No, I mostly just get letters from people asking if I get angry letters.
Dear Eric: I’m debating over joining the U.S. Air Force. What should I do? — Patriotic to the Max
Dear Max: Well, get someone else to fill out the essay portion of the application for you, Mr. “Debating Over.”
Dear Eric: How do you keep drips to a minimum when painting? — Lead on the Brain
Dear Brainiac: NyQuil is good for drips anytime. I don’t know what painting has to do with it.
Dear Eric: Why won’t my baby sleep through the night? — Sleepless in Tucson
Dear Tusc: Because your baby hates you.
Dear Eric: If you hadn’t gone to college, what do you think you’d be doing right now? — Nosey Neighbor
Dear Neigh: Probably working as a freelance writer on the Internet and doing occasional comedy shows.
Dear Eric: If you could be any fictional character from a book, who would you be? — In Love with Aragorn
Dear Sir: George Washington.
Dear Eric: Have you ever had a stalker? Alternatively, have you ever been a stalker? — Uninterested; Don’t Worry
Dear Interested: There’s a fine line between “stalking” and “being attentive.” Or at least that’s what I told the judge. The judge I was stalking. Don’t ever stalk a judge, by the way. They’re mean.
I think "Your Baby Hates You" should be on T-shirts.