Hey look! It’s time for another stimulating edition of “Ask Eric Stuff,” the popular game from Europe where people ask Eric stuff and he answers them! As always, you may contribute your own questions to “Ask Eric Stuff” by going to this page and following the simple instructions, which have recently been translated into English from their original Latin.
Dear Eric: What is your opinion of “hot-saucing,” the current controversy in parenting wherein the parent punishes bad behavior by putting drops of hot sauce on the child’s tongue? — Tabasco Mom
Dear Hot Momma: I am in favor of any method of child-rearing that will leave the youngster emotionally scarred and which resembles torture. So, hooray for hot sauce!
Dear Eric: I just moved out to college and I was wondering how often I should wash my bedsheets. My mom always changed them for me but now it’s up to me and I have no idea when I should wash them. — On My Own in Owatonna
Dear Ownatowna: Sheets should be washed when they become scratchy or abrasive to the touch, or when making your bed in the morning causes them to produce a crackling noise.
Dear Eric: My girlfriend keeps wanting me to nibble her ears. How do I explain in a nice way that I find her ears totally disgusting, what with all the waxy buildup and general uncleanliness? — Grossed out in Green Bay
Dear Gross: Your girlfriend’s ears are waxy and unclean? That’s strange. They were fine when I was nibbling them last night! WOOOOT!
Dear Eric: My sister told me a really big secret, and she told me not to tell anyone. Can I tell my husband? — Keeps No Secrets from My Man
Dear Blabby: Only if the secret is about him, or if it’s especially juicy, or if you’re having dinner and you can’t think of anything else to say.
Dear Eric: My family makes fun of my boyfriend because he can tie his shoes with his toes. They think it’s a stupid talent. How do I convince them that if they look beyond that, he’s a really great guy? — In Love in Lubbock
Dear Lubby: He can tie his shoes with his toes? What’s the point of that? If he’s tying them with his toes, then obviously his feet aren’t in them, which means they don’t need to be tied. Your boyfriend is a moron. I don’t know how to convince your family he isn’t.
Dear Eric: How do I put the magic back into my marriage? — Bored in Boise
Dear BIB: Pull a rabbit out of your wife’s blouse. When she asks how it got there, say, “I love you” and give her some flowers. Then run away before she has time to think about it. (Note: Take the rabbit with you.)
Dear Eric: How do I teach my son to not eat from the floor? — Harried in Hurricane
Dear Harry: Quit leaving food on the floor, you dirty pig.
Dear Eric: I was asked to participate in a musical program. I was supposed to sing or play instruments for four songs, but the director cut three of them. I am so upset. What should I do? — Really Good Musician
Dear Humble Musician: Do a really crappy job on the one number you’re still doing. That will show them!
Dear Eric: I want to substitute honey for sugar when I bake. How should I alter the recipes? — Cooking Queen
Dear Cookie: Replace your five-pound bag of sugar with a one-gallon jug of bees.
Dear Eric: I’m graduating from BYU soon and I’m not sure what to do once I’m out. Do you have any advice? — Confused on Campus
Dear Campy: I don’t know what to do once you’re out, but whatever you do, don’t come out while you’re still at BYU!
Dear Eric: I’m thinking of getting a digital camera. What kind of features should I look for when shopping for one? — Photo Phanatic
Dear Phan: I know they’re supposed to have pixels. Get one with pixels.
Dear Eric: The people who live directly upstairs from us stomp around constantly and it drives us crazy. What can we do to stop the insanity? — Tested to the Limits
Dear Teste: Get a set of earplugs. These will be very useful for when you go upstairs and shoot your neighbors.
I can't believe people are actually SAYING "woot" nowadays. You kids and your slang!
"One gallon jug of bees" would be a good name for a rock band, in my opinion.
That is all.