Yo, dawgs, it’s time for another edizzle of “Ask Eric Stuff,” the totally crunk feature where people ask Eric stuff and he answers them, because that’s how he rolls. If you want to ask questions, you can do it here, at this magic Web site. Now crack open a 40 and let’s do this up proper, aight?
Dear Eric: My roommate always leaves the dish sponge in the sink so it gets all gross and stinky. How can I get her to stop? — Wishing for Clean Dishes
Dear Dish Wish: While she is asleep, anesthetize her with a powerful sedative. Then, make an incision in her belly and put the filthy sponge there. Then sew her up. When she develops a deadly infection from the foreign object lodged in her gut, she’ll think twice about leaving the sponge in the sink!
Dear Eric: Would you ever consider a mohawk? — Hairdresser from Hell
Dear Hairy: Sure. I’ve dated an Asian, a Mexican and an African-American, so why not a Mohawk?
Dear Eric: Why doesn’t anyone ever e-mail me back? — Lonesome in Vegas
Dear Eric: Would you rather die in a tsunami, in a car accident, or of starvation? — Morbidly Curious
Dear Morb: I want all three simultaneously.
Dear Eric: What is your favorite article of clothing? — Loves Her Shoes
Dear Love: Your underpants.
Dear Eric: I have a fear of dating. When someone is interested, I run. And when I find someone interesting, it’s usually someone safe. How can an individual get over this kind of fear? — Scared of Dying Alone
Dear Scaredy: The best way to overcome any fear is to face it head-on. So the next time you meet someone who is interested in you, marry that person.
Dear Eric: What’s the best way to be a good dad? — Newbie
Dear Newb: Always get the child support payment to your baby mama on time, and let her know when visiting days are.
Dear Eric: Why do people use cell phones in the library when there are signs telling patrons to turn them off before they come in? — Longing for Silence
Dear Longy: What makes you think people who go to a library can read? Oh, right. Hmm. I don’t know, then.
Dear Eric: I had to take my grandmother to the vet this morning where her beloved “fella” had to be put to sleep. She’s moping around and crying as if she had just lost her own child. I don’t know what to do. It’s just a cat! What can I tell her to comfort her at a time like this? — Lacks Kompassion in Kitty Krises
Dear KKK: You should be comforting your grandmother during this difficult time. Assure her that you will weep just as bitterly when you finally have her put down.
Dear Eric: Why does everyone automatically assume that because I don’t say much at times (being somewhat reserved), I must be rude and arrogant? — Irritated in Indiana
Dear Snob: I don’t know, jerk. Try being less of a jerk and see if people are nicer to you.
Dear Eric: If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Ã¢â‚¬â€œ Globetrotter
Dear Trots: In a Florida hospice. There’s an all-you-can-eat feeding tube buffet, plus all the fame and celebrity you can handle! (P.S. I want pizza in my tube.)
Dear Eric: Whenever the forecast predicts even an inch of snow here, people rush out to the grocery store and buy lots of milk and bread. How come? — Mystified in Maryland
Dear Mysty: They are afraid those items will become difficult to obtain if the storm turns out to be severe. For example, cows cannot give milk in extreme weather, and wherever it is that bread comes from, that place might get snowed in.
Dear Eric: How come in Utah even the store brand bread is as good as homemade but everywhere else you can’t find bread half as good? — Hungry Hungry Helen
Dear HHH: There’s a certain “magic” about Utah. The people here have a special something that makes everything just a little bit better. And that something is meth.
Dear Eric: What’s the best cure for the common cold? — Snifflin’ in Salt Lake
Dear Sniffle: Turning up the common thermostat.
Two indirect references to Terry Schiavo in this edition. Even dead, she lives on in our hearts and in our humor columns.