Holla! And by that I mean “holler,” and by that I don’t know what I mean. I just heard the kids saying it. But it’s time for another installment of Ask Eric Stuff!
You know the drill: It’s a power tool used to bore holes in hard materials. But that’s irrelevant. What’s important is the routine: People submit questions and Eric answers them, quickly and with everything spelled correctly. Sit back and enjoy, and holla! (I think.)
Dear Eric: My sister wants to come visit me, but I don’t want her to stay in my apartment with me. How can I tell her that I wish she would visit me but stay in a hotel? — Selfish Sister
Dear Selfy: Make it sound like you are only looking out for her best interests. Say, “Oh, sis, I’m so glad you’re coming to visit, but I think you’d be so much more comfortable at a hotel, where the people don’t hate you.”
Dear Eric: Why is it that my neighbors in my apartment complex feel the need to play mariachi music at 2 a.m.? — Sleepless
Dear Sleepy: Have you considered that perhaps your neighbors are mariachis? And if they are, then what sort of music would you expect them to play?
Dear Eric: Who decided there is no such thing as a stupid question? — Joey Joe Joe
Dear Joe: Whoever he was, he never met you.
Dear Eric: I can’t stand the humidity where I live but I can’t move away. What should I do? — Sweating Like Crazy
Dear Sweaty: Complain to everyone you meet about how much you hate the humidity. That way, you’ll be moist AND annoying.
Dear Eric: Our neighbors still have four little fake Christmas trees — complete with lights — in their front yard and it’s making us all look like white trash by association. How can I tactfully solve the situation? — Annoyed in Albany
Dear Alby: Move out of the trailer park, white trash.
Dear Eric: Someone told me I shouldn’t go after guys that are “out of my league.” How do I know what my league is? — Lucy Leagueless
Dear Major Leagues: There’s no such thing as “leagues.” Anyone can be paired with anyone. Opposites attract, right? So just find someone who’s the opposite of you. (Hint: He’ll be good-looking.)
Dear Eric: I can’t get my baby to sleep through the night. — Sleepless in Salt Lake
Dear Sleepy: That’s interesting. Now, does anyone have any questions for me?
Dear Eric: Why is it that every time I drop the toast, it falls with the butter side down? — Butterfingers
Dear Butty: I think the real question is, why are you always dropping your toast? Are you missing some fingers? It’s not hard to hang on to a piece of toast, genius.
Dear Eric: Why do some Americans hate Canadians? — Random
Dear Randy: WHY?! Come on! Have you SEEN those people?! But I kid. In truth, Americans hate Canadians because they’re jealous of them. I think it’s childish and that it should stop immediately.
Dear Eric: How often should one shower? — Ripe in Rhode Island
Dear Rhodie: Every day, unless you’re Canadian, in which case you can just go outside and let a polar bear lick you all over once a week or so.
Dear Eric: How did you get this job? — Asking in Austin
Dear Austio: The Internet was hiring columnists, so I went down to Internet headquarters and filled out an application. I love working for the Internet! They’re a great company.
Dear Eric: Do you think you’ll spend the rest of your life in Portland? — Northwesterner
Dear Northy: Yes. Sadly, that’s only another four days. (Don’t worry, I’ll build you a rainbow.)
Dear Eric: Why can’t I lose the rest the weight I gained from pregnancy? The “baby” is almost two! — Chubby and Crying
Dear Chubby: Well, maybe you should finally give birth to the poor thing!
Dear Eric: Is Michael Jackson guilty? — Jury Duty Hound
Dear Duty: Of being a fabulous dancer? YES!
The parenthetical remark about building a rainbow is a throwback to a recent column, of course. Otherwise, this edition of "Ask Eric Stuff" is pretty self-explanatory.