Ask Eric Stuff 20

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W007! 17’$ 71M3 F0R M0R3 QU3$710N$ & 4N$W3R$ W17# 7#3 P0PU74R “4$K 3R1[ $7UFF”!

Wow, I was even annoying myself there. In “Ask Eric Stuff,” people just like you, only dumber, ask Eric for advice. Since Eric is smart, he gives smart-aleck answers, thus continuing the circle of life. You can submit questions here. It’s fun and nutritious!

Dear Eric: Is it OK to be racist if you’re racist against your own race? — Anonymous
Dear “Anonymous” (if that is your real name): Yes, unless you’re Jewish, in which case you’d be an anti-Semite, and everyone knows that’s bad.

Dear Eric: When I woke up and found out that New Orleans is under 25 feet of water, my first thought was, “HA! Now my ex-fiancé won’t be able to go on his vacation and have fun without me!” On a scale of one to 10, how evil am I? — Suffering from Schadenfreude
Dear Shady Fries: Probably a 10, considering the reason he’s no longer your fiancé is that you made out with his 15-year-old mentally disabled girl cousin.

Dear Eric: What do you want done with your body when you die? — Barry in Boise
Dear Boyz: I want it shot out of a cannon at a Dodger game, unless that’s how I died in the first place, in which case I want the Dodgers to pay my family $50,000,000 in reparations.

Dear Eric: What do you want done with your body when you die? — Barry in Boise
Dear Boyz: I want it donated to science. If science doesn’t want it, then Goodwill.

Dear Eric: What do you want done with your body when you die? — Barry in Boise
Dear Boyz: I want it reassembled as best as possible and the hyenas who killed me hunted down and shot.

Dear Eric: What do you want done with your body when you die? — Barry in Boise
Dear Boyz: Nothing, you sicko! What did you have in mind?!

Dear Eric: What do you want done with your body when you die? — Barry in Boise
Dear Boyz: I want it dressed up and dragged around for purposes of comedy, a la “Weekend at Bernie’s.”

Dear Eric: What do you want done with your body when you die? — Barry in Boise
Dear Boyz: I want it propped up in a booth at the county fair under a sign that says, “Have your picture taken with the corpse of Eric D. Snider! $1,” with all the proceeds going to charity.

Dear Eric: Do you like children? — Sarah
Dear “Sarah”: Yes! Especially the children of cows. They’re delicious.

Dear Eric: I’m having trouble with my new digital camera. How can I tell if the camera is defective, or I’m just doing something wrong? — Digital Disaster Dame
Dear Damey: If the pictures are turning out blurry, the camera may be defective. If the pictures are turning out wet because you have put the camera in the bathtub, then you are doing something wrong.

Dear Eric: Should I get a housecat for my kids? — Indecisive in Indiana
Dear Indy: Whoa, whoa, friend! Slow down a minute! First get your kids back from Social Services, then we’ll talk about a cat.

Dear Eric: Why is it always so hot in Las Vegas? — Frying in Vegas
Dear Veggie: So Satan has someplace to send people who have been extra-EXTRA-bad.

Dear Eric: Will you ever give up on writing and find a different job? — Need to Pay the Bills
Dear Dad: I told you to quit using this e-mail address!

Dear Eric: How can I get my adult children to get jobs, grow up, and move out of the house? — Deadbeat Dependents Driving Me Destitute
Dear Mom: You too!

Dear Eric: Why do old people smell funny? — Young in Yelm
Dear Jung: They don’t just smell funny. They see and hear funny, too.

Dear Eric: How do I stop people from taking advantage of me? — Charity
Dear Chair: Send me $50 and I’ll explain how.

Dear Eric: Why is it that elephants can remember everything and I can’t? — Elephant Idis
Dear Ellie: You forget stuff because you’re too fat. No, wait, so are elephants. I don’t know, then.

Some questions lend themselves to more than one answer, you see. It's a comedian's dream: a straight line with an infinite number of punch lines!

Other questions do not work as well. Despite the admonition on the "Ask Eric Stuff" submission page, I continue to get "wacky" questions, questions that are meant, in and of themselves, to be funny. I can't use those. There's no humor in giving a funny answer to a silly question. The question has to sound sincere for the principles of comedy to take effect.

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