It’s that time of the month again! No, not THAT time. The other time! The time when it’s time for “Ask Eric Stuff,” the astoundingly popular worldwide phenomenon of a feature wherein people ask Eric stuff and he answers them. How can you get Eric to answer YOUR question? By going to this page and submitting one, silly face! It couldn’t be easier! Well, in theory Eric could come to your house and you could ask him your question directly; that would be easier. But then he’d probably hang around and want to be fed and entertained. Trust us, this is better.
And now, the questions!
Dear Eric: I’m almost finished with my B.S. in mathematics. What should I study for my M.S.? — Going to Graduate School
Dear Grad: The book “Living a Celibate Life.” You’ll need it.
Dear Eric: What’s the point Eric? Why am I still going from day to day? — Riles in Rochester
Dear Rochy: Funny you should ask, because your friends and family have been wondering the same thing.
Dear Eric: Why do people still think they can drink and drive without it hurting anyone? — Flabbergasted in Fallon
Dear Flabby: People still think forwarding an e-mail to all their friends will result in Microsoft giving them money, too. This is because people are stupid.
Dear Eric: Which do you prefer? Cable or a dish? — TV Hog
Dear Hoggy: Depends on what I’m doing. For installing a stereo system, I prefer cable. For eating dinner, I prefer a dish. For watching TV, I prefer a set of rabbit-ear antennae that sit on top of the set and bring in fuzzy, black-and-white images.
Dear Eric: I hate shaving my legs. How much do guys care that girls shave their legs, anyway? — Hairy
Dear Single: Ha! Quit shaving them and find out.
Dear Eric: Are the wisespread natural disasters, like the December tsunami and Hurricane Katrina, earthquakes in various countries, the AIDS epidemic and other biological problems, signs that the end of the world is near? — Revelations Reader
Dear Revvy: Yes, and add to the list the fact that Britney Spears’ husband Kevin Federline is about to release his own album. I mean, honestly.
Dear Eric: How come guys never want to go out with chubby girls? — Chubby Chica
Dear Chica: Um, maybe because they’re chubby? Hello?!
Dear Eric: How can I get my dog to come when I call him? — Training in Toledo
Dear Trainy: Every time he responds correctly, give him a treat. Every time he does not respond correctly, take him to the pound. (Don’t go inside; just drive past and let him see the place. He’ll get the picture.)
Dear Eric: I have a friend who has really bad breath. What is the best way to tell him? — Suffering Susan
Dear Suffragette: Skywriting.
Dear Eric: What is the best way to get rid of acne? — Mottled Molly
Dear Motley: Stop being a teenager. Seriously! CUT IT OUT!
Dear Eric: How do I go about teaching my new dog not to pee in my shoes? — Dog Lover
Dear Doggy: Well, for starters, quit wearing the shoes that look like fire hydrants.
Dear Eric: The man who is to be my fiance’s best man at our wedding cut his hair and dyed it on a dare. Our wedding is in two weeks, and this best man will look awful in the pictures! Should I ask my fiance to ask his best man to re-cut and dye his hair before the wedding? — Wedding Woes
Dear Woeful: Well, why not? He needs to get used to you micromanaging every single detail in his life sooner or later.
Dear Eric: I will be looking for my first real job after I graduate from college in June. Do you have any advice on getting a job? — Scared Student
Dear Stud: Yes. Make sure they know you can’t work Sundays, or else they’ll be calling you every week, bein’ like, “Hey! The pizza ain’t gonna deliver itself!” I hate those guys.
This edition of "Ask Eric Stuff" contains two questions about dogs, and two (possibly three) responses that would seem to make fun of women. I cannot account for this recurrence of subject matter except to say that it is a coincidence. You want cat questions, or questions that will lead to answers that make fun of men? Submit them.
Those who stalk me might notice that sometimes when I am traveling, "Ask Eric Stuff" appears as that week's column. This is because I can write snappy answers to the questions as soon as they're submitted and thus assemble most of a column well in advance, for use in weeks where I am preoccupied with other activities. This week, I was in Utah to visit friends and to do a show. "Ask Eric Stuff 16" was when I was in Portland doing a show; "Ask Eric Stuff 17" was published during the Sundance Film Festival; "Ask Eric Stuff 19" was the week I moved to Portland. Now you know.