What’s that you say? If you don’t see another installment of “Ask Eric Stuff,” the frighteningly popular international feature where people ask Eric stuff and he answers them, you’ll start throwing out bodies, one every 15 minutes until your demands are met? Well, this administration does not negotiate with terrorists! As it happens, we were going to do an “Ask Eric Stuff” column ANYWAY. So there.
If you have questions you want Eric to answer in a snarky, unhelpful manner, we urge you to make use of this link — this one right here — and then sit quietly and patiently to see if they are answered in a future column. If they aren’t, try taking some hostages and making demands until they are. That usually works.
Dear Eric: Which of the three next-generation consoles do you recommend I buy? — Gamer in Georgia
Dear Gamey: The one that can best approximate what it’s like to have a real life.
Dear Eric: Is there a way to stop hating everyone in the world? — Misanthropic in Minnesota
Dear Missy: Not that I’m aware of, stupid.
Dear Eric: My husband seems to have gone on strike from changing our daughter’s poopy diapers. We share almost all other responsibilities. Any idea why he doesn’t want to share this one? — Up to My Ears in Poopy Diapers
Dear Poopy Ears: So there are bags of excrement attached to your daughter’s lower half, and you can’t figure out why your husband doesn’t want to involve himself in their disposal? His lack of interest strikes you as unusual somehow? Because, what, he usually LOVES handling feces? I’m not sure I understand the question here.
Dear Eric: What’s the best muscle relaxant? — Hurtin’ in Hampshire
Dear Hamper: Death.
Dear Eric: My car’s on its last legs. Should I fork over the money to fix it or just give up and buy a new one? — Car Quandary in Quebec
Dear Canuck: If your car is on its last legs, you should definitely get a new one. Many of the latest models come with wheels.
Dear Eric: Is your hair grey yet? — Stylist
Dear Stylin’: Yes, but only on my back.
Dear Eric: How many feet in a mile? — Stumped by Trivia
Dear Trivial: 5,280.
Dear Eric: You are hot. Will you go out with me? — Crazy for You
Dear Crazy Person: How did you know I was hot? I was just this minute thinking of taking off my sweater! It’s not as chilly today as it has been, and this coffeeshop always has the heat cranked up. I love this place, though, because they have awesome coffee cake, huge pieces for only $1.75. Starbucks will charge you $3 for a piece half this size. I’m just sayin’. Anyway, no.
Dear Eric: I once met someone famous who was in a movie. How can I tastefully allude to the incident when I am with other friends? — Name Dropper
Dear Dropsy: You just have to be casual about it. Pretend the celebrity was Phyllis Diller. While having lunch with your friends, you might say, “Oh heavenly days, I do love the tuna salad at this restaurant! It reminds me of my childhood. Also, I once met Phyllis Diller.”
Dear Eric: Why is it that Marine recruits can only enter boot camp with the clothes on their back and $20? — Recruit’s Sister
Dear Sista: If they had more than one pair of clothes and more than $20, why did they resort to joining the Marines?
Dear Eric: Wedding planning has left me frazzled. Is it better to just elope? — Bride to Be
Dear Bridie: Couldn’t you just have a small, uncomplicated wedding that doesn’t require so much planning? Ha ha! Just kidding! Of course you can’t. Elope.
Dear Eric: My coworker plays his awful country music all day. How can I ask him to turn it down without hurting his feelings? — Deaf in Decatur
Dear Deafie: If you use words of more than two syllables, he won’t even know what you’re talking about. Then, while he’s looking confused and scratching his head, remove the batteries from his radio and tell him Garth Brooks and all his friends died in a truck accident and took all their songs with them. He’ll mourn for a few days, and then he’ll forget all about it.
Dear Eric: Why does my little girl think 5:30 a.m. is a good time to get up? — Sleepless in Seattle
Dear Sleepy: Maybe she just moved here from another country and hasn’t adjusted to the time change yet. Check her passport.
I have nothing to add.