Guess what, kids! It’s time for another edition of “Ask Eric Stuff,” the Nobel Prize-winning feature in which people ask Eric stuff and he plumbs the depths of his wisdom to give responses. You — yes, YOU — can submit questions to be used in future “Ask Eric Stuff” columns by clicking this link right here and following the easy-to-follow instructions. Also, please note that when we called you “kids” a minute ago, we meant it metaphorically. We assume you are 18 years old and that the inappropriate advances we make toward you are only distasteful, not illegal. Let the questions and answers and instant messaging begin!
Dear Eric: When I eat in a public setting, is it impolite to rest my arm on the table? — Worried About Manners
Dear Mann: Only if the arm is not attached to anything. Severed limbs should be put under the table or left with the coats in the closet.
Dear Eric: I recently got married and my new hubby leaves his dirty socks all over the house. How can I get him to put them in the hamper? — Laundry Lady
Dear L.L.: Tell him that’s where you keep the sex.
Dear Eric: My baby is 18 months old and she has 16 teeth already. Is it good or bad for a baby to get its teeth early? — Mother of Toothy
Dear Tooth: It’s good! Look at it this way: A shark is born with 42 teeth already grown in. You want your baby to be able to shred its prey to pieces, don’t you?
Dear Eric: I’m going to finally meet someone I got to know online, and I’m a bit nervous because I’m worried that I won’t have anything to say. Can you give me some good conversational advice? — Afraid of Reality
Dear Fraidy: Making the transition from online chats to real-life conversations can be easy. Just start every sentence with 🙂 , and be sure to always LOL at his jokes.
Dear Eric: What would you do if you found out that you only had three months to live? — Hospitalized in Huntsville
Dear Hospy: Sign up for a credit card that had zero interest for the first four months.
Dear Eric: I am a strict vegan. When my family gets together, they make no attempt to cook anything I can eat, so I end up starving until I can go to the store. I have offered to help prepare the food and menu, but they reject the idea. What should I do? — Starving in Sandwich, N.H.
Dear Starvy: Vegans have to go to the store? What, you can’t just go outside and peel some bark off a tree or something? Stupid whiny vegans.
Dear Eric: Why do so many Mormons live in Las Vegas? — Sin City Cyndi
Dear Cyn: Because the local temple is open 24 hours, and baptisms are half-off on weeknights.
Dear Eric: My lawn keeps getting patchy brown dead spots. What can I do about this? — Confused in Cleveland
Dear Cleve: A simple mixture of bleach and vinegar should eliminate the patches by making the entire lawn brown.
Dear Eric: Do you plan to ever run for public office? — Looking for Leadership.
Dear Looky: Ha. Please. The word “run” is right there in the job description.
Dear Eric: Who should win more seats in Congress this November? — Politically Challenged in Utah
Dear Utahrd: Whoever has the most butt cheeks.
Dear Eric: Is it true that elephants really never forget? — Animal Lover
Dear Annie: Ask the one I’m still paying alimony to all these years later!
Dear Eric: Where did it all go wrong? — Pondering in Poughkeepsie
Dear Poughboy: The day your parents met. (Oh, SNAP!)
Dear Eric: If you were stranded alone on a small desert island and could only have one movie to watch for the rest of your life, which one would you pick? — Woodrow
Dear Woody: I would choose the 1953 Rock Hudson/Doris Day comedy, “How to Build a Boat from Items Commonly Found on Island Beaches.”
When the Las Vegas LDS temple opened in 1989, we Mormons cracked jokes about it being open 24 hours and having a flashing neon light that said "TEMPLE - TEMPLE - TEMPLE." (We Mormons who were high school students did, anyway.) The joke has lingered in my mind's database, lo these 17 years, and now it sees the light of day.
Regarding the elephant/alimony joke: I don't know what it means either.