It’s time for everyone’s favorite/least favorite game, “Ask Eric Stuff”! This is an occasional feature in which ordinary citizens ask Eric stuff, and he answers them in as few words and with as little helpful advice as possible. The feature is wildly popular, except among the hundreds of people who hate it.
If you want to submit a question for a future edition of “Ask Eric Stuff,” you can do so here. Please note that if your question has a lot of misspelled words, or if you don’t capitalize the words that appear at the beginning of sentences, you will be mocked, and your home may be ransacked by grammar-wielding goons.
Dear Eric: My pet mouse recently died. She was very sweet and loving, and I miss her a lot. But I’m not getting any sympathy from my family. They all say that mice are gross and I’m stupid for grieving. How can I make them understand? — Sad in the South
Dear Sadist: It sounds to me like they do understand: Mice are gross, and you’re stupid. Where’s the confusion?
Dear Eric: Why haven’t we captured Osama bin Laden? — Dan Rather (not my real name)
Dear Tom Brokaw: “We”? I don’t know about YOU, but I haven’t captured Osama bin Laden because I’ve had a lot of TV to watch.
Dear Eric: How do I know when it’s time to have “the talk” with my son? — Birdie, Married to a Bee
Dear Winged Creatures: There’s no time like the present. Just take him aside and gently say, “Son, there’s something I need to explain to you: You’re adopted.”
Dear Eric: What should I make for dinner tonight? — Starving in Salinas
Dear Sally: Reservations.
Dear Eric: Why does my 34-year-old husband still watch Pokemon and play Yu-Gi-Oh? — Imnot Hismama
Dear Hismama: Because his 34-year-old wife still lets him.
Dear Eric: Is Big Bird a boy or a girl? — Curious in Colorado
Dear Curio: Neither. Big Bird is a MAN, baby!
Dear Eric: How long should I breastfeed my baby? — Mama in Montana
Dear Monty: Pediatricians are somewhat divided on the subject, but the general consensus is that if the baby is sending you text messages from school asking for it, it’s time to stop.
Dear Eric: My fiance wants me to have a mole removed from my face, but I don’t know. What if I regret it? — Indecisive in Irvine
Dear Indie: A mole on your face?! What are you going to tell me next, that there’s a gopher on your elbow?! You people and your silly, made-up questions!
Dear Eric: No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to gain weight. All my female friends are upset with me because I weigh less than they do. What should I do? — Skin and Bones
Dear Skinny: Find some friends who are as skinny as you are. Maybe a giraffe, or a coat hanger.
Dear Eric: Why are young drivers always in such a hurry? — Frustrated Driver
Dear Old-timer: They’re probably trying to get out of your way as you barrel through a farmers’ market, you senile old fossil.
Dear Eric: My 17-year-old son has decided that he doesn’t need to obey curfew anymore. I’m at my wits’ end. How can I stick to my guns but still respect his independence? — Perplexed in Portland
Dear Portly: I think you answered your own question. Next time he comes home late, be sitting there in the living room with a shotgun aimed at the door.
Dear Eric: Now that Britney Spears is available again, what do you think your chances are with her? — Eager for Eric
Dear Eager: My chances of what? Of loathing the sight of her and wishing she’d take her pimply hillbilly arse back to the Ozarks and stay there? Pretty good, actually.
Dear Eric: Besides being against the law here, it’s dangerous when a passenger in my car doesn’t use his/her seatbelt. How can I get my friends to use their seatbelts when they simply refuse? — Seatbelt Nazi
Der Fuhrer: All it takes is one little accident that sends them headlong through the windshield and skidding face-first across the asphalt to teach your friends a lesson. Arrange to have one the next time they’re in your car.
Dear Eric: Why did the guy I have a crush on decide to date my roommate instead of me? — Heartbroken in Huntsville
Dear Hunts: Because your roommate is thinner and prettier than you. Seriously, people, do I have to explain everything?
I have nothing to add.