Ask Eric Stuff 29

The “Ask Eric Stuff” feature is so popular that every time we do one, we are deluged with letters, postcards, and telegrams from fans who threaten suicide if we do not publish another installment immediately. It’s been over three months since the last one, though, so we hope those fans were only kidding.

“Ask Eric Stuff” works like this. People ask Eric stuff, and Eric answers them. You can submit questions here. It’s extremely simple. If we made it any simpler, we’d start getting questions from Mississippi, and nobody wants that.

Dear Eric: Why is it that every time a group of women gather, the conversation turns to swapping baby stories? — Muddled in Montana
Dear Muddy: Think about it. If you shoved a nine-pound human out of one of your personal orifices, don’t you think you’d talk about it a lot too?

Dear Eric: I tend to eat an entire half gallon of ice cream whenever I sit down for a single bowl. How can I break this unhealthy habit? — I Scream for Ice Cream
Dear Fatty: Quit buying ice cream, stupid.

Dear Eric: I like wearing vintage clothes but all the kids at school make fun of me. Why do they do that? — Social Reject
Dear Reject: By “vintage clothes,” do you mean clothes from the 1700s? Because that would totally explain it.

Dear Eric: My mom wants me to move out, and I haven’t even hit 25 yet! What can I tell her or do for her so that she’ll let me stay? — Little Boy at Heart
Dear Boy: All you can do is tell her the truth: that you’re a scared loser who doesn’t want to move out of mommy’s house yet. Some whimpering and pants-wetting should really drive the point home.

Dear Eric: How come my sister’s toenails are so shiny and smooth, and mine are mangled claws? — Hooves Need Trimming
Dear Trim: Is there any chance you were adopted? Maybe your biological parents were falcons? Do you have any other falcon-like tendencies? For example, do you have thin, tapered wings, and do you hover while hunting for small rodents? If not, then I got nothin’.

Dear Eric: Why haven’t I been fired yet for spending 95% of my work hours doing nothing but reading random stuff on the Internet? — Lazy
Dear Lazy: Because most of your co-workers spend 100% of their time doing that.

Dear Eric: How long until my Diet Coke addiction kills me? — Addicted in Alabama
Dear Addict: Diet Coke isn’t too bad. The real killer is Diet Heroin.

Dear Eric: My back hurts from bending down all day to pick up my kids’ toys. And my feet are in agony from stepping on numerous small hard toys. Any ideas? — Tired Mom
Dear Tired: Well, a lot of people have started protecting their feet with something that scientists are referring to as “shoes.” Others have tried this thing where they teach their kids to pick up their own toys. I know it sounds crazy! But many parents swear by it.

Dear Eric: My daughter has no interest in potty training whatsoever. What can I do to encourage her to use the potty? — Tired of Diapers
Dear Diapers: Show her how much fun it is to use the potty. Set up a toilet in the living room and invite all the family members to take turns using it, laughing and cavorting as they do. Your daughter will see the fun they’re having and want to join in.

Dear Eric: If you suddenly won the lottery, what would be the first thing you did? — Rachel
Dear “Rachel”: Double-check to see how I could have won without ever playing. Then cash the check before anyone notices.

Dear Eric: How do I break up with my less-than-confident boyfriend without making him feel worse about himself? — Overwhelmed in Oklahoma City
Dear Okie: Just explain that it’s not him, it’s you. Guys always understand when you tell them that!

Dear Eric: My geography teacher won’t stop pronouncing places wrong! How can I get her to stop? — Eager in Nevada
Dear Eager: Wait until the principal is visiting the class, then ask her a question about Niger.

The SnideCast© says this is column #525 even though it's actually 565. This is due to a mistake that I didn't notice until I had already edited and uploaded the recording and I sure as heck wasn't going to open everything up again just to fix that.