Ask Eric Stuff 5

It is now time for “Ask Eric Stuff,” a wildly popular feature in which people ask Eric stuff and he answers them. This feature is so incredibly popular that Eric is mobbed by strangers whenever he walks down the street, particularly when he is wearing his suit made out of $100,000 bills. You can submit your own “Ask Eric Stuff” questions at [outdated link].

Dear Eric: What do I plant in the 8′ x 5′ area in my yard that doesn’t get water and is in all shade? — Gardenin’ Fool
Dear Fool: The only thing I know of that lives in darkness and doesn’t require water is Gayle Ruzicka, but I don’t know why you’d want to grow her.

Dear Eric: What exactly are “Zoobies” and why are they called such? — UVSC-bie
Dear High School Dropout: The desire to call BYU students “Zoobies” comes from something called the Cuteness Gene, which many people in the Midwest and mountain states are born with. The same gene makes people refer to Las Vegas as “Lost Wages,” Bill Clinton as “Slick Willie,” and McDonald’s as “Mickey D’s.” None of these nicknames is clever or original, but people with the Cuteness Gene continue to use them while silently basking in the light of their own imagined inventiveness.

Dear Eric: Which word has more inherent humor: crotch or groin? — Miss Mary Mack
Dear Mack Daddy: This is a tough one. Both are funny because they refer to the genital region. I believe “groin” may be funnier, though, as it has the “oi” sound that also makes words like “ointment” and “moist” so enjoyable to say.

Dear Eric: Can babies be born with a caffeine addiction? — Dr. Pepper
Dear Peppy: No, but several of polygamist Tom Green’s children have been born with a tragic gingham addiction, due to their mothers having worn too many homemade dresses during pregnancy.

Dear Eric: If the end of the world were tomorrow, what would you want to do today? — Beach Girl
Dear Beachy: Did you say “what” or “who”?

Dear Eric: I am about to hire a secretary. I was planning on paying her $2 per hour, like restaurants, and have people tip her to make up the difference. How much should people be expected to tip? — Tired of Tipping
Dear Tipsy: That depends. Will she get people’s appointments mixed up and be extraordinarily absent-minded? If so, good luck hiring her away from Friday’s.

Dear Eric: Will you do a movie review by request? — Couch Potato
Dear Tater: Only if you are requesting a review of the 1978 made-for-TV movie “The Initiation of Sarah,” which I watched a few weeks ago. It’s about a creepy girl with weird telekinetic powers that enable her to 1) save her sister from a rapist and 2) make a dog stop barking. She and her sister go to college, where creepy Sarah is ostracized, as she should be, and her pretty sister gets into an exclusive sorority headed by Morgan Fairchild. Creepy Sarah, meanwhile, joins the sorority for ugly girls and is driven to harness her powers for evil by her sorority mom, Shelley Winters, who is drunk in every scene. Everyone is very ugly and unappealing, including the people the movie thinks are pretty. I don’t know why this movie was ever made, much less why I watched it. I hope this helps.

Dear Eric: What is the difference between righteousness and self-righteousness, and can you cite an example of each so I understand completely? — Need Clarification in Louisiana
Dear Louie: Righteousness is keeping the commandments. Self-righteousness is keeping something that’s not even a commandment, and then belittling those who don’t. Example of righteousness: Not killing people. Example of self-righteousness: Never seeing PG-13-rated movies, and gossiping about people who do.

I have nothing to add, except that I really enjoyed watching "The Initiation of Sarah." If more movies today were as blatantly stupid as that one, instead of trying to mask their stupidity with special effects or Angelina Jolie, the world would be a better place.