We return once again to “Ask Eric Stuff,” an extremely unpopular feature in which ordinary people like you, you and especially YOU ask Eric stuff in the hopes he’ll provide guidance, insight and cleverly masked swear words.
Bear in mind the following are actual questions from actual readers, submitted here [link outdated], and not made-up questions like that she-devil Ann Landers uses.
Dear Eric: How come people in Utah don’t use their turn signals? — Frustrated on the Freeway
Dear Free: Because turn signals don’t work when the radio is tuned to a country station or if the driver is pregnant.
Dear Eric: What are some of the tried and true phrases you can use to generate lots and lots of angry letters from readers? — Wondering in Walla-Walla
Dear Wally: These phrases usually elicit very strong responses: “the mayor’s rear end,” “pitching a tent,” “kicked the baby in the head,” “gay pirate” and “that Totally Awesome Computers guy kicks babies in the head.”
Dear Eric: How can I pay less for my new apartment? — Strapped for Cash
Dear Strappy-Doo: Tell the landlord you want a discount for not setting it on fire. Then, after he gives you the discount, set it on fire. And let that be a lesson to him, the gay pirate!
Dear Eric: Does that tingling sensation I get when I’m around a certain girl mean I’m in love? — Hopelessly Lovelorn
Dear Hopeless: No, Tom Green, it just means it’s mating season again.
Dear Eric: What is Victoria’s secret? — Pornokemon
Dear Porny: That “Rosebud” was the name of the sled. No, sorry, that’s “Citizen Kane’s” secret. Victoria’s secret is that she’s a man.
Dear Eric: Do you consider yourself a role model? — Curious Jorge
Dear Jor: No, just an underwear model. If the right role company came along, though, I’d be glad to model them.
Dear Eric: How can you get your friends to level with you? I’m trying to get an honest response about how well I sing. People tend to give me “oh, don’t worry about it, you’re fine” type answers. I don’t know if they’re sincere, or just trying to be nice. — Singing Sour
Dear Tone-Deaf: Your friends are just being nice. You sing so badly, you make people leave the church.
Dear Eric: What’s the deal with the 15 mph speed limit on Center Street in Provo? With so many car thefts, shouldn’t the police be patrolling the neighborhoods stopping the real criminals? When was the last time you drove 15 mph down Center Street? — Forced Revenue Supporter
Dear Just Got a Speeding Ticket: Hey, hey, one question at a time here. In order of your asking them: They choose speed limits by drawing numbers out of a hat; yes; and, the last time there was a cop behind me.
Dear Eric: In your opinion, what crimes against humanity merit definistration? — The Definistrator
Dear Gay Pirate: You sent two questions containing the word “definistration,” obviously trying to impress me with your knowledge of such a big word. The thing is, that word is actually spelled “defenestration” and it means “a throwing of a person or thing out of a window.” I’d say trying to show off your vocabulary but misspelling the key word is grounds for defenestration.
Dear Eric: What video game do you think would be the best choice for a group date? — Anime Man
Dear No Taste in Cartoons: Try Sega’s “No Goodnight Kiss” or Nintendo’s “I Can’t Believe What a Big Loser I Am.” (I can lend them both to you.)
Dear Eric: My cat is really fat, but she doesn’t eat a lot. What should I do? — Feline Friend
Dear Catwoman: Do as Bob Barker suggests: Have her neutered, and then run over her with your car. And watch “The Price Is Right,” weekdays on CBS!
I meant Tom Green the Utah polygamist, of course, not Tom Green the crime against humanity on MTV.
The line about singing so badly you make people leave the church is probably a reference to this column a week earlier. I say "probably" because while I didn't note that in this section at the time, now, several years later, as I read the columns in succession, I have to assume there was a connection.