Well, bless my stars with gravy, it’s time for a Very Special Christmas Episode of “Ask Eric Stuff,” the remarkably distasteful feature where people ask Eric stuff and he answers them like he’s some kind of know-it-all. All of these questions were submitted at [outdated link], which involves using the “Internet,” or at least a really fancy typewriter.
Dear Eric: My wife’s birthday is the day after Christmas. What can I do to make her birthday special, and keep it from getting swallowed up in the Christmas festivities? — Doghouse Dweller
Dear Fido: On her birthday, arrange for a bunch of friends to stop by the house and sing, like Christmas carolers, except they replace the Christmas lyrics with clever and sweet lyrics about your wife, and how special she is to you. Then, tell her you want a divorce. When she starts crying, tell her you were only kidding. The emotional roller coaster will make her forget you didn’t actually buy her a present.
Dear Eric: Why on earth has Provo City installed roundabouts at every intersection? — Irritated
Dear Irr: It’s a test to see if, no matter how many roundabouts there are, people will still have no idea how to use them. Some scientists believe that, even if every single intersection were a roundabout, drivers would still feel compelled to come to a complete stop when they reach them.
Dear Eric: There are so many charities asking for money during the holidays. Which one should I give to? — Altruistic in Altruismville
Dear Altoid: Avoid less-reputable charities with questionable names like the Red Crotch and the United Crack Whore College Fund. Instead, give to charities that bear the Eric D. Snider Seal of Approval. These include: Eric D. Snider’s Checking Account, Eric D. Snider’s Savings Account, United Way, and The Safety Deposit Box at Eric D. Snider’s Bank.
Dear Eric: Will I get that cool new X-Box for Christmas? — Greedy in Greenville.
Dear Greeny in Greedville: Not until you finish your W-Box!
Dear Eric: I have met a lot of Californians who have a very negative attitude toward Utah, even though they’ve never lived here. Can you help me understand this? — Utah Pride
Dear Pride Is of the Devil: A lot of Californians have a very negative attitude toward hell, too, but I’ve never questioned that assessment.
Dear Eric: What is the purpose of underarm hair? — Follicly Curious
Dear Curious George: It’s an easy way to spot which women are lesbians or European.
Dear Eric: Do you believe in Santa? — Believer
Dear Bee Liver: Do I believe in Santa? Why, you might just as well ask whether I believe in the sunshine, or in rainbows. Santa Claus lives in the heart of all good people everywhere. He is the embodiment of the Christmas spirit, and the spirit of giving and good will. Without Santa Claus, there is no joy. (Short answer: No. What am I, 6?)
Dear Eric: If A squared plus B squared equals C squared, why doesn’t A cubed plus B cubed equal C cubed? — Ms. Mathematically Challenged
Dear Can’t Add: It doesn’t? The IRS owes me a BIG refund, then!
Dear Eric: Fire or ice? — Robert Frost Fan
Dear Frosty: Depends. Are they both fresh today? Because I got some stale fire last time I was here.
Dear Eric: What should I get my mother-in-law for Christmas? — Curious in Costa Mesa
Dear Curious George: If your mother-in-law is like mine, she doesn’t exist, because you’re not married. Get her some chocolate. Old ladies love chocolate.
I was running low on questions, and I posted a request for them on the message board, and hoo-boy, did the readers ever submit questions! I got enough good ones to fill two or three editions of "Ask Eric Stuff," so thanks for that.
Usually, I'm not allowed to say "crack whore" in the column. I don't know how I slipped this one past them.