Directionless? Clueless? Legless? Fret not, because Eric is here with another installment of “Ask Eric Stuff,” in which people ask Eric stuff and he tells them where to go and what to do. All of these questions were submitted [outdated link provided], where you can submit your own questions, too.
Dear Eric: My college adviser told me I need to pick a major. What should I do: engineering, because the 5-1 ratio of boys to girls gives me a better chance of getting married; or nursing, which I’m really better at, but where all my male counterparts will be pansies? — On the Prowl in Provo
Dear Prowly: You’re wasting time even being in school, darlin’. Just rope yourself a guy, stay home, and start birthin’ some babies.
Dear Eric: I’m moving to Texas and buying a house. What should I look for in a primary residence? — Relocator
Dear Dislocator: Find one as far away from the Texans as possible. And whatever you do, don’t “mess” with Texas. That really annoys them.
Dear Eric: How do you feel about Internet romances? — CyberCurious
Dear E-Desperate: Internet romances are very safe, normal and non-creepy, and they always work out in the long run, and no crazy stalkers ever engage in them.
Dear Eric: I’m writing a poem and need a word that rhymes with orange. Any suggestions? — Rhyme Time
Dear Rhyme Thyme: Yes. Get a job.
Dear Eric: I am in a BYU single-student ward, and therefore have been placed in a Family Home Evening group. My question for you is, do you think it’s okay to go out with my FHE group leader, even if he insists upon those in our group calling him “dad”? — Electra Complex
Dear Incestia: I can’t imagine any purpose in having Family Home Evening groups in a student ward OTHER than to get people dating each other. It’s not really your family, and it’s not held at home. It should just be called Evening.
Dear Eric: Do you think that teaching sex education in the schools reflects the lack of morals in our society as the nuclear family becomes weaker and fewer? — Conservative Queen
Dear Queen: Hey, at least it gets kids doing their homework.
Dear Eric: When running a marathon, is it better to wear more cushioned shoes, or lighter shoes? — Slowbut Igetthere
Dear Ha Ha Your Name is Clever: There is no reason to run a marathon. There’s no reason to run at all, unless something is chasing you. And even then, you should pause a moment and think whether it would be all that bad if it caught you. To answer your question, though, you should wear the shoes with the jet packs in them.
Dear Eric: How can I tell a guy that I don’t want to go out with him without hurting his feelings? — Heartless Wonder
Dear Heartless: Who told you guys had feelings?
Dear Eric: What should I name my soon-to-be-born son? — Scared to Death
Dear Scared to Death: I kind of like Scared to Death.
Dear Eric: After exercising, why do I get a tingling sensation in my thighs? — Tae-Bo Teri
Dear Tae Land: Are you exercising with jellyfish? Because if you are, it’s possible one of them is stinging you on the thigh. If not, then maybe it’s a stroke.
I was gearing up for 17 straight days of Olympics columns, and I figured I'd burn off one of these before it started. The "Ask Eric Stuff" columns are not easy to write, by any means, but they do have one advantage: The topic of the column is chosen for me. That is often the hardest thing about writing, so it's nice to have it taken care of every now and then.