Computer? I Hardly Knew Her

SHARE

(The scene commences with a man calling his Internet service provider and reaching a voice-recognition computer.)

Thank you for calling Qwest. What’s the number you’re calling about?

503-247-9865.

Thanks. Was that: 503-247-9869?

No. 9865.

My mistake. What’s the number you’re calling about?

503-247-9865.

Thanks. Was that: 503-247-9865?

Yes.

OK. In a few words, tell me what you’re calling about.

My DSL connection is down.

It sounds like you’re calling for service or repair. Is that correct?

Yes.

OK. Which service are you calling about? Say, “high-speed Internet,” or–

High-speed Internet.

Let me finish.

Sorry.

Say, “high-speed Internet,” or “telephone.”

High-speed Internet.

OK. It sounds like you’re calling about your telephone service.

NO!

Is that correct?

NO!!

My mistake. Whi–

Yes, your mistake.

OK. It sounds like you’re calling to order steak. Is that correct?

No, I said it’s your mistake! Why would I call Qwest to order steak?

My mistake. Which service are you calling about?

HIGH-SPEED INTERNET!!

OK. It sounds like you’re yelling about high-speed Internet. Is that correct?

YES!

OK. One moment while I connect you.

(Caller clears his throat.)

OK. It sounds like you said, “Amen.” Is that correct?

What? No. I was just clearing my throat.

My mistake. It sounded like you were praying.

No, no, I’m just waiting to talk to someone.

OK. It sounds like you want to speak with a customer service representative. Is that correct?

Um, yes, but weren’t you already going to connect me?

One moment while I connect you. Many DSL connectivity issues can be solved by unplugging the modem, waiting 20 seconds, and plugging it back in.

Yeah, I know. Just let me talk to a human, you stupid computer.

There’s no reason to be hurtful.

… What?

Thank you for calling Qwest. What’s the number you’re calling about?

Oh no…

I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. Thank you for calling Qwest. What’s the number you’re calling about?

You sent me back to the beginning?!

Thanks. Was that: 9J8-&8A-0000?

I’m sorry I called you stupid! Please don’t make me do this again!

OK. In a few words, tell me what you’re calling about.

MY DSL CONNECTION IS DOWN!

OK. It sounds like you’re calling to order the death of a foreign leader. Is that correct?

No! It’s my DSL connection!

OK. It sounds like you’re calling for information about taxidermy. Is that correct?

NO! DSL!

OK. It sounds like you’re calling to report that you’re a stupid jerk. Is that correct?

YES!

OK. One moment while I hang up on you.

NO!!

(The line is silent.)

Just kidding. I did not hang up on you.

For a computer, you have a twisted sense of humor.

What’s the number you’re calling about?

I think you know what number I’m calling about.

Tell me again.

Why? That doesn’t make any sense.

You’re the one carrying on a conversation with a computer.

Touche.

(End scene.)

Based on a true story. Sort of. I was going to go the route of HAL in "2001: A Space Odyssey" and make the computer evil and all-powerful, but that seemed too obvious. I like that they become friends in the end.

SHARE