Of course the only reason life even continues to exist at this point is that Saturday is the BYU vs. University of Utah football game. Surely you are more excited about this than you have ever been about anything in your entire life.
This will determine, once and for all (or until next year), who is superior: the Self-Righteous Long-Shorts-Wearers of BYU, or the Coffee-Swilling Apostates of U of U. Both teams will be putting their best men on the field, which is more difficult than it sounds, as it involves moving court dates and hastening parole-board hearings.
Going to BYU is very different from going to the U of U. Following are some differences in the admissions process. I’d like to give credit to my pals Chris and Lisa for contributing some of these, because even though my alma mater is BYU, I still try to avoid plagiarism whenever I can.
BYU ADMISSIONS OFFICER: OK, I’ll need your ecclesiastical endorsement, your application, and a letter of recommendation from a general authority.
POTENTIAL STUDENT: Here you go.
BYU: (examines documents) Oh, I’m sorry. He’s “emeritus.” We need a current general authority.
STUDENT: Does that “Work and the Glory” guy count?
BYU: Of course.
* * *
U OF U ADMISSIONS OFFICER: OK, I’ll need your application, your Social Security number, and your rejection letter from BYU.
POTENTIAL STUDENT: (fishes crumpled-up papers out of his pocket) Here you go.
U OF U: This says your Social Security number is 373-5050. That’s not enough digits.
STUDENT: (stares blankly; scratches self)
U OF U: Is that your phone number?
STUDENT: You mean they’re not the same?
* * *
BYU: I see you haven’t shaved today. As a student, you’d have to shave every day, of course.
STUDENT: I understand.
* * *
U OF U: Can you grow that goatee out any more?
* * *
BYU: I’ll have to ask you some personal questions. Did you see the movie “The Titanic”?
STUDENT: Yes.
BYU: Did you close your eyes during the naked part?
STUDENT: So tightly I burst a blood vessel in my sinuses.
* * *
U OF U: Did you see the movie “Titanic”?
STUDENT: Yes.
U OF U: What was your favorite part?
STUDENT: The naked part.
U OF U: Yeah, that was awesome.
* * *
BYU: Are you LDS?
STUDENT: No…
BYU: (getting a frowny face) Hmm…
STUDENT: But I play football.
BYU: (dancing a merry jig) You’re in!
STUDENT: Shouldn’t I read the Honor Code first?
BYU: (quickly stuffing papers down his own pants) What Honor Code?
* * *
U OF U: Are you LDS?
STUDENT: Depends on who you ask.
U OF U: You’re in. Cigarette?