One “hot topic” that has been in the news lately is the subject of gun control, and, more specifically, whether or not guns should be controlled. This is because of the recent tragedy in Jonesboro, Ark., which I am not going to make jokes about, and also because of the debate over whether people should be allowed to carry guns to Olympic venues in 2002, which I AM going to make jokes about.
Utah’s concealed-weapons laws are very relaxed, as you might imagine in a state where the first day of the deer hunt is more widely celebrated than Christmas. All you have to do is buy a gun, take some tests, pay a bunch of money, and BANG! You’ve got yourself a concealed-weapons permit. You are then allowed, by law, to carry a handgun with you pretty much everywhere you go.
Now, I’m not going to address the issue of whether ordinary, possibly stupid, citizens should be allowed to carry guns around, because that’s too easy. (The answer is no.) What we’re going to discuss is, why do they WANT to carry guns around? As usual, I think we can blame the media. After so many movies and TV shows in which everyday guys become heroes because they happen to have guns on them when they encounter hostage situations, this is the natural result. Gun-carriers honestly think — perhaps even HOPE — that they’ll walk into Winchell’s one morning right in the middle of a stick-up, and since they’ve got their trusty Smith & Wesson on their hip, they’ll be able to save the day and perhaps get a free cruller.
It is the same sort of fantasy I used to have about being a superhero, specifically Superman. I would imagine these situations in which whatever girl I was currently enamored with was in peril, and I would swoop in and save the day and we’d go make out somewhere. I think these sort of power fantasies are normal, but the difference is: I outgrew them. I haven’t imagined I was Superman since I was about 7. Now I imagine I’m Leonardo DiCaprio, which is a whole different set of issues.
My point is, in the land of Real Life, where we live, having a gun with you is rarely going to come in handy. I have a friend who recently obtained his conceal-and-carry permit, and he now carries his gun everywhere he goes except for the few places in Utah where guns are prohibited (federal buildings, airports, my car, etc.). His reason for wanting a gun with him at all times is that when he was 16, he was robbed at gunpoint. He wishes he had been carrying a gun at the time, because then the robber could have stolen that, too.
No, he figures he could have somehow used the gun either to prevent the robbery — “You’d better put down that gun in your hand, because I have a gun IN MY BACK POCKET, WHERE I CAN’T CONVENIENTLY REACH IT!” is probably how he would have frightened the criminal — or else, after the man began to walk away with my friend’s stuff, he could have pulled out his own gun and shot him.
As it is, my friend was robbed and immediately called the police, who quickly apprehended the bad guy, took him to jail, and returned my friend’s belongings to him. If my friend had had a gun with him, then perhaps the bad guy could have been shot. Or maybe my friend would have been shot. It doesn’t matter, as long as SOMEBODY gets shot, then the experience isn’t a total waste.
So should guns be permitted at the 2002 Olympics? First of all, I think it’s a moot point because 2002 is never going to get here. I mean, come on. We’ve been talking about how cool “The Year 2000” is going to be for like a hundred years, and has it ever happened? No. It’s not coming.
And even if it does, I doubt Utah will be capable of hosting the Olympics. I-15 will still be in the shambles it’s in now, and the only thing Utah residents will be able to focus on is the ever-burning question of whether or not Mormons are Christians, and they’ll probably just forget the Olympics are even coming. “Oh my heck,” they’ll say when all the foreigners start to arrive. “Was that THIS year?”
But assuming the Olympics do happen, then sure, people who have permits should be able to take their guns to the Olympic venues too, because there might be a crisis where guns will be needed. (But there will be POLICE OFFICERS there, and THEY have guns!) (Shut up!) Maybe the Olympic snowboarders will become so frustrated at the lack of drugs available that they will resort to terrorist actions, demanding 10 kilos of pot or else Orrin Hatch “gets it.” And don’t think a terrorist act couldn’t happen, because it did in Atlanta in 1996. That bomb went off in the park and Richard Jewell was promptly presumed guilty by everyone in the world. If there had been some law-abiding, gun-carrying citizens present when the bomb went off, then they could have shot Richard Jewell, instead of just falsely accusing him. Who knows, he might have preferred that.