Mullet over

Do the people with the mullets know we’re making fun of them? I mean, it’s not like we’re being quiet about it. We’re pretty much mocking them openly.

(By the way, this is going to be one of those columns where I act superior and tell you what to do and how to act. Just so you know.)

The people who continue to wear their hair in mullet fashion — really short on top and really long in the back — are either doing it out of pure self-confidence, honestly not caring what others think of their unpopular hairstyle; or else they’re doing it because they think that style actually looks good. I’m betting on the second option, because the people I see with mullets don’t strike me as the high self-esteem crowd.

The mullet is actually rather useful in our society because it helps us identify people just by looking at them: Men with mullets are rednecks, and women with mullets are lesbians.

There are no exceptions to this. If you are an ordinary man and you start growing a mullet, you will BECOME a redneck. If you are a heterosexual woman and you start growing a mullet, expect to be buying a lot of scented candles and watching “Xena: Warrior Princess” very soon. Never underestimate the power of the mullet!

Another thing I have a problem with is the “soul patch.” This is what some grungy young men have, where it’s just a little patch of hair under the bottom lip. I don’t like it. The soul patch disrupts the face. When someone has a soul patch, all I can look at is the soul patch. This might be good, I guess, if you have a third eye in the center of your forehead that you want to attract attention away from. Otherwise, you’re just interrupting your own face. People think, “Well, he looks like a handsome — wait, what’s THAT?” And they never get around to seeing the rest of the face.

And not to be argumentative, but in regards to the old people who refer to BYU as “the BYU”: They know the rest of us think that’s funny, right? They know we call it that sometimes, too, but only to make fun of them, right?

Also, all this sign language needs to stop. I don’t mean we shouldn’t communicate with deaf people, because most of them do seem nice enough. I’m talking about the sign language we’re using when there are no deaf people around. In many of our talent-show performances and church musical numbers, we have been thinking it is extra-cool to perform a verse in sign language, or to have someone perform it in sign language while we perform it in English.

This is wrong. No song will ever be made more poignant just by having someone do it in sign language. In fact, I will go on record right now as saying that there is NOTHING CHEESIER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD than using sign language in a public setting when there are no deaf people present.

Along the same lines, let’s quit thinking it’s nifty to sing a song in a foreign language when most of the audience does not speak that language natively. The last person to have been impressed by the fact that you know Spanish was your grandmother, and she died a long time ago. The rest of us couldn’t care less. Sing it in whatever language most of the audience will understand, or don’t sing it at all.

I’m sorry, but I get so worked up sometimes. If everyone would just do what I say, we wouldn’t have any problems.

This is obviously a compilation of several things I'd been saving up for a while. It's a mean, snotty column, unless you agree with everything I say, in which case it's a great column.

I like the first paragraph. It's a good way to start a conversation. In fact, I have started conversations that way.