The IOC couldn’t have chosen a worse city to host the Olympics than Salt Lake, where, for crying out loud, you can’t even buy a caffeinated soda without 1) showing I.D. and 2) calling it “pop.” It’s a provincial, ridiculous little city with no clue how to host a major event.
I would like to apologize for that last paragraph. Since writing it, I have received thousands of e-mails from people who were upset with what I said. My weak attempt at humor failed. I was wrong to write what I did. I am totally responsible and regretful for it.
From a completely impartial standpoint, though, the Games have to be considered an abysmal failure. Foreigners are winning medals right and left, right here on American soil! American athletes, how can you allow such a travesty to occur? You should be ashamed of yourselves.
That paragraph was not intended to be a vicious, hostile attack, but, upon reflection and rereading what I wrote, it went over the line of propriety. Foreigners, I love you. I’m sorry I hurt you.
The athletes are not to blame, after all; it’s the Mormon Church, which has been kidnapping and brainwashing journalists from around the globe and forcing them to write positive articles in their various news outlets, often under threat of death. This sort of abomination has got to stop, or it will forever ruin the Olympic Games.
I apologize to the Mormons who have written to tell me they were enraged at the preceding paragraph. Obviously, it was satire that didn’t work. I asked to speak with church president Gordon Hinckley, but he was on the other line, which I totally understand and respect. I am a complete and utter freak, and I realize that now.
Not all Utahns are Mormons, after all. Many of them are lapsed Mormons or inactive Mormons or anti-Mormons. And they’re certainly a friendly bunch of smiling, robotic, unthinking, Jell-O-eating weirdos who have single-handedly ruined all that the Games stand for, what with their horrific traffic snarls and unsafe venues. No wonder the whole world is criticizing the Winter Games!
It is with humble heart that I retract my last statement. Upon actually leaving my hotel room, I have discovered that everything I said was false. I have no worth as a human being. I should have been tied up in a sack and dropped down a well immediately after my birth, like the doctors recommended. I wouldn’t know quality writing if my fleas stood up and shaved it in my back hair. I am not writing this under duress or threat, though I am writing it under heavy anesthesia.
I love you, Utah, Mormons, athletes, foreigners and Olympics. Can I buy you a drink?