Olympics Report: Condomnation

When the Olympic Games are over, approximately 17,000 weeks from now, I believe my favorite scandal will still be the uproar over the Great Condom Giveaway, wherein helicopters are dropping hundreds of thousands of condoms over the Olympic Village, accompanied by fliers encouraging the athletes to have sex with anything that will stand still.

No, wait. That’s not what’s happening. That’s only what the ultra-conservatives who oppose it THINK is happening. What’s actually going on is that condoms are available to athletes at the Olympic Village clinic, as part of SLOC’s commitment to provide free health care to the athletes.

Now, I recognize some problems with this line of thinking, such as SLOC’s alleged dedication to health while allowing major non-healthy sponsors like Budweiser and McDonald’s to play a greater part in the Games than snow.

Also, reports say 12,000 condoms have been donated, for use by the 2,400 athletes. By my calculations, that’s 5.3 condoms per athlete over the course of 17 days, or one condom per athlete every 3.2 days. But have you SEEN some of those hockey players? Five condoms in 17 days should be about four too many. (That was rude, and I demand the firing of whoever said it.)

Now, you probably knew you’d see raving lunatic Gayle Ruzicka’s name somewhere in all this, and here it comes. Utah Eagle Forum leader Gayle Ruzicka has posted a letter on her Web site (www.utaheagleforum.org) in which she says this:

“Where are the athletes … getting their sex partners? Are they bringing their own with them … or are they going out on the streets of Salt Lake City looking for our sons and daughters? Are we giving them permission to do this with the distribution of condoms?”

Yes, Gayle. That’s EXACTLY what we’re doing. By giving out free condoms, we are telling the athletes they have our permission to roam the streets and have sex with our sons and daughters. Young people of Utah, if you find yourself engaging in any illicit sexual behavior this week, feel free to say your partner was an Olympic athlete, and that it was your parents’ fault for giving them permission.

I agree maybe the athletes should have brought their own condoms. But I also think Picabo Street’s parents shouldn’t have smoked so much weed before they named her. Things go awry, and what can you do? Not offering any assistance — Picabo, I’ll send you the form you need to legally change your name — can only make the situation worse.

And Gayle, did you know some of these Games are taking place on Sunday? Quick, send your legions of flying monkeys out to conquer THAT evil!

After Ruzicka's line about how the athletes were going to be "looking for our sons and daughters," I wanted to include this joke: "Gayle, I've seen your sons and daughters, and trust me, no one is looking for them." But that would have been a slam against her children, and they hadn't done anything wrong, so I didn't do it.

The whole point here was that people are going to have sex, whether we like it or not. Having condoms available if the athletes want them is not going to encourage any more fornication than was already going to take place. It's just going to make it safer. Yes, making them available is sort of like giving up on the battle to convince people not to have sex outside of marriage, but I think we have to accept that some things about the world are simply not going to change on a widespread level.

Furthermore, the distribution of condoms doesn't reflect poorly on Utah values, as it is not "Utah" handing them out. It's the Salt Lake Organizing Committee, which is an extension of the International Olympic Committee. If it reflects badly on anyone, it's the IOC. No one is going to see this and say, "Hey, I thought those Utahns were against this sort of thing!" What they might see instead is the shrill, insane Gayle Ruzicka harping on about something, and think, "Ah, yes. I'd heard Utahns were like this...."