Olympics Report: It’s a Bud, Bud, Bud, Bud World

Quick, now, you only have a few days left to experience downtown Salt Lake City as an Olympics site. After Sunday, ownership of the city reverts back to the LDS Church, and I suspect they will not permit Bud World to remain.

Bud World is brought to you by Budweiser, which is an Official Sponsor of 2002 Alcoholism. It’s an outdoor plaza at the Gallivan Center, and it has all sorts of merriment that the whole family will tolerate. For example, you may have heard that the famous Budweiser Clydesdale horses are there. If you have always been awestruck at the beauty of those majestic animals as they gallop across the prairie, then you will certainly want to go to Bud World, where they are locked in cages.

Bud World also boasts a Panasonic exhibit, whose major theme is that Panasonic is a company whose products you may purchase.

But downtown has more than just Bud World. Downtown also has the Medals Plaza, where every night thousands of rock ‘n’ roll fans turn up and are heard to say, “Brooks and Dunn? What the FETCH?!” But if a band you like is playing, and you were not able to get free tickets when they were distributed a few weeks ago, you should not fret, as dozens of helpful scalpers are on hand to assist you. Last week, we were approached by a man selling Sheryl Crow tickets. He said he would sell a pair for $60. I pointed out that he was crazy. He said, “I can sell them for $50, but I can’t go lower than that.” I said, “Well, let’s see, you got them for free … so, yeah, anything less than $50 and you’re taking a major loss.”

I had to take my sarcasm elsewhere, though, as there were many more Olympic-themed sights to see on the streets of Salt Lake. We wanted to make sure we had a look at Temple Square, for example, because we’d heard they were using metal detectors now and we thought that was a cool idea. (“Sir, you’ll have to let us check those gold plates.”)

And across from Temple Square is the Church Office Building, which, like many downtown buildings, has an enormous Olympian plastered on its west-facing side. The Church Office Building’s Olympian is a giant lady skater, and we wondered if employees there refer to their offices in terms of which part of the lady is outside their window. “I have a nose office,” someone might say, or, “I’m in the cleavage section of the building.”

We could not dwell on such prurient matters, however, because we still had the issue of finding our way back to the TRAX station to deal with. Everyone’s encouraged to take the train into downtown, and then, helpfully, the downtown station closes after 7 p.m. I think those Clydesdales should be used to haul people to the next station, but I guess they can’t, what with being locked up in cages and all.

Ah, this one is SO much better than the last one.

I wanted to say "breast" instead of "cleavage" in the next-to-last paragraph, but I decided to let good taste win, at least sort of, just this once.