Olympics Report: The Summary Games

A summary of the Olympics, in case you missed something:

Day 1: The 2002 Olympic Winter Games officially begin with an Opening Ceremony so elaborate, it requires the efforts of literally dozens of different LDS ward activities committees to put it together.

Day 2: The U.S. wins its first medal of 2002 when Shannon Bahrke takes the silver in women’s moguls. Utah Porn Czar Paula Houston immediately begins investigating whether women’s moguls ought to be shown in public.

Day 3: The IOC announces racism is OK as long as it is Olympic-related, as in statements like, “Those lazy Frenchies never win anything” and “The Irish sure do drink a lot, even here at the Olympics.”

Day 4: In a controversial decision that would go on to taint the entire Games, the French judge in the pairs figure skating declares Al Gore the winner of the 2000 presidential election.

Day 5: After finishing 16th in the women’s downhill, one-time Olympic star Picabo Street changes her name to Has-Been Avenue.

Day 6: Denver Post writer Woody Paige runs a column in which he implies that Utahns are religious zealots. Utahns respond by murdering him.

Day 7: NBC reports that its TV ratings are so strong, no one even noticed when, over on ABC, Hugh Downs and Barbara Walters smoked crack on the air.

Day 8: Canadian figure skaters David Pelletier and Jamie Sale upgrade their silver medals for gold. The Russian skaters who originally were given the gold are unable to return theirs, because they have already traded them for a loaf of bread and a winter coat.

Day 9: The speedskaters’ freakishly large thighs cause the men to crash into each other and fall down. By a fluke, the French judge declares King Louis XIV (1643-1715) winner of the race.

Day 10: The IOC admits that, OK, they don’t know what curling is, either, and we all might as well stop making jokes about it.

Day 11: French ice dancers Marina Anissina and Gwendal Peizerat win the gold medal for their routine, but it is taken away when judges realize they are unable to determine the gender of either participant.

Day 12: Vonetta Flowers becomes the first black athlete, male or female, from any country, to win a gold medal in the Winter Olympics. Hitler’s bunker in hell gets just a little hotter.

Day 13: Third-generation Olympian Jim Shea wins the gold medal in men’s skeleton. He also takes the bronze in men’s intestine and the silver in men’s circulatory system.

Day 14: America assures Michelle Kwan that it loves her, but for crying out loud, will she please STOP SMILING? Seriously, that grin of hers is knocking satellites out of orbit.

Day 15: The U.S. and Russian men’s hockey teams face each other. The Russians, now choosing to play or boycott games on a case-by-case basis, decide to have it both ways by playing the game, but playing badly.

Day 16: A somber mood settles upon the Games when, following the men’s speedskating finale, newspaper headline writers realize they have used the Apolo Anton Ohno/”Oh, no!” pun for the last time.

Day 17: The Games come to a finale with a dazzling Closing Ceremony. Following the benediction, refreshments are served in the cultural hall.

At last! The end of the Olympics columns. They were a lot of fun to write, and a good experience for me, and I enjoyed them. But I would never want to do it again. (Being born was a good experience for me, too, but I don't think I'd repeat it.) It's more work than it looks like, writing these columns. Even more so if they're supposed to be good.